Rumpology: Personality Analysis Based On Rump Features

ginoide

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#1
INTERVIEW-BLIND GERMAN PSYCHIC GROPES BUTTOCKS TO SEE FUTURE BY NICK TATTERSALL BERLIN, JULY 9 (REUTERS) - FORGET PALM-READING.
A BLIND GERMAN PSYCHIC CLAIMED ON TUESDAY HE COULD READ PEOPLe's futures by feeling their naked buttocks.
Clairvoyant Ulf Buck, 39, claims that people's backsides have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about their character and
destiny.
"The bottom is much more intense -- it has a much stronger power of expression than the hand in my experience," Buck told Reuters. "It goes on developing
throughout your life." By running his fingers along a number of lines on the surface of a client's posterior, he says he can tell them about their future monetary success,
family life, health and happiness.
He says lines representing success, career and artistic ability extend inwards from the outer extremities of the buttocks, while a further five lines radiate outwards.
"I began on a circle of friends and the circle grew," Buck said. "I am not a new-age freak. I treat people with great care and conscientiousness." Buck, who lives in the
northern village of Meldorf, northwest of Hamburg, says all types come to him to have their bottoms read.
He sees his blindness as a great asset, not least because it means customers do not risk having their identities revealed.
"All sorts come, from cleaning ladies and secretaries to prominent members of the community. For them, my being blind is an advantage because I can do it without
recognising them again in the future." Buck has been blind since the age of three.
Although he claims to have spent many years training his fingers, with his index and middle fingers the most sensitive, Buck says even amateur buttock readers can
make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.
"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A
pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." He is quick to shoot down any suggestion that his buttock groping might be
motivated by anything other than a genuine desire to probe people's futures.
"I do not need to feel bottoms for my own pleasure. My wife is quite beautiful enough for me," he said.
Buck is reluctant to speak about his successes, but says he correctly predicted an actress from a popular German soap-opera was going to write a book, and says a
stockbroker has been using his services for over two years.
"No stockbroker would keep asking a blind clairvoyant to tell them about future stock prices if they didn't believe I could to it," he said.
 

mejane

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#2
Purely out of interest, how did he discover this? Presumably he started on his wife, but did he then say to his friends at a dinner party "hey, I have a new theory - please drop your trousers" :confused:

I wonder what piles mean... (sorry).

Jane.
 
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Anonymous

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#4
my advice is always beware anyone who comes up to u at parties and says " your fortune is ur bum".... tho this may have worked for Kylie, i suspect mostly its not a good idea!
 
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#6
Measuring Man

Albert DeSalvo, notorious as the "confessed" if not actual Boston Strangler -- there were several -- in his never ending quest to grope women would show up at pretty girls' places and ask if he could measure them for a beauty contest. A surprising number allowed him.

If only he'd have thought to add, "Oh, I can, uh, SENSE things if I can put my hands on your tits."

He could then have become the equivalent Top Psychic.
 
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Anonymous

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#10
according to this page the lovely Jacqueline Stallone has revived the ancient art of Rumpology, is she just cashing in on naive people who are willing to part with there hard earn'd cash to see a glimpse of there future, or is there any truth in this? as well as other forms of future telling?
 
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Anonymous

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#11
Long before that Stallone hag stole my idea I used rumpology for more neferius (is that how it's spelt? Who gives a toss. Oh alright then, I'll continue....) purposes. You see I was a pickpocket in my misspent youth and it would have worked out rather lucrative if I wasn't so crap at it.

I was constantly being sprung due to my heavy handedness and then would have to supply a spontaneous explanation as to why I had my hand in some guys back pocket. At first I would joke off-hand about checking the muscle tone because "it looks like you work out". Unfortunately so many middle-aged public servants were encouraged by this that I ended up having to supply more lies to avoid being invited to a boy's night-in, the next time his missus was out shopping.

So I struck on the rumpology idea by way of explanation. I actually called it gluteusology and would throw about random predictions, such as the person dying soon in a multi-car pile-up, dying in freak auto-erotic accident or winning the lottery in two week's time. Sometimes in response i received punches, kicks and screams for my divination efforts, but it was all in fun. Sometimes too I would receive some money, (often followed by a request to go away). In the end I was making more at gluteusology than pickpocketing (which admittedly never earned me a cent) and so would have been happy to continue.

Unfortunately one kill-joy ended it all by complaining to the police. I really think that some of these nuns should lighten up a bit, we are in the 21st century for God's sake.
 
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Anonymous

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#12
I saw her on Graham Norton ages ago. Mad old biddy.

This made me laugh, though:
Send us a print of your fanny (a fanny-gram, if you will) by either using a photocopier or a legible ink print on white paper (please use washable ink).
[edit]

And more on rumpology here :
4) News
In the last newsletter, I mentioned Diane Swanson's invention of Rumpology (the science of personality analysis that is based on reading the lines on a person's rump) to engage young people to think critically about certain kinds of claims. According to Nick Tattersall of Reuters in Germany, Ulf Buck is a 39-year old Rump Reader from Meldorf. He's also blind, yet he claims he can read people's futures by feeling their naked buttocks. Buck says he spent many years training his fingers to do the reading, a practice he started on a small circle of friends but which has grown to include many prominent people, including a stockbroker who apparently invests depending on his butt bumps. Buck says that rumps "have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about character and destiny. An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life. A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth." And what about those whose rumps are on their shoulders?

The relentless critic of astrology, Ivan Kelly, calls Buck's work asstrology.
[thanks to Joe Littrell]
 
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Anonymous

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#13
So thats 2 of us assuming fanny means bottom in the states and not what it means in the uk. she is a funny one!
 

Electric_Monk

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#17
I remember a few years ago when bumbags (that's what people called them, wasn't it?) were 'all the rage', and so when people found out that in America they were referred to as "fannypacks" (I'm not certain that was the name, I'm just told that by an American I know) they all found it highly amusing. And the effect still seems to happen when anybody I know is watching some American thing on TV and someone says "fanny" :)
 

Eponastill

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#18
My boyfriend has had several american tourists come into the shop where he works and ask if they sell fannypacks. The first time he nearly had a fit. I told him he should explain really as it'd be most amusing to see the looks on their faces. Or he could send them along the street to Boots (the chemists).
Apparently he only realised there was any mismatch in transatlantic communication when Jennifer aniston, in an episode of Friends, mentioned that someone had pinched her fanny. He thought it was a bit rude for tv and thus figured it out.
 

carole

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#19
And for those embroidery enthusiasts amongst us, there is what the Americans quaintly call a 'fanny frame'.

Actually it's one of those circular embroidery frames on a stand and a wooden projection that you can sit on to hold the frame upright. I think we British call it a 'lap frame'.

Carole, who actually owns one of these contraptions, and very useful it is (if you're in the right position:p )
 
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Anonymous

Guest
#20
I think the term fannypack should be adopted in the UK, considering how many often wear the "pack" part in the front.

If a bum is one's behind, what is the UK term for an old, panhandling hobo kind of guy? Are they bums, as well?
 

beakboo1

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#21
TorgosPizza said:
I think the term fannypack should be adopted in the UK, considering how many often wear the "pack" part in the front.

If a bum is one's behind, what is the UK term for an old, panhandling hobo kind of guy? Are they bums, as well?
That would be a tramp, a begger, a vagrant or a homeless person. Or if they're female, we've adopted your "baglady".
And I don't think the fannypack would catch on here. It isn't a word we use in polite company you know. :)
 
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Anonymous

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#22
TorgosPizza said:
I think the term fannypack should be adopted in the UK, considering how many often wear the "pack" part in the front.

If a bum is one's behind, what is the UK term for an old, panhandling hobo kind of guy? Are they bums, as well?
I think most guys would be a little pissed off if you said they had a fanny Torgos, I usually just call them sporans ;)

The Scottish term for a hobo is usually just a tramp, midgie raker or dosser. Whenever the term "bum" is used in the UK to describe one of these guys its usually borrowed from the US via American TV programs.

Lastly, In Scotland being bummed is a term to describe having homosexual sex (if your a guy)
 
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Anonymous

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#23
TorgosPizza said:
I think the term fannypack should be adopted in the UK, considering how many often wear the "pack" part in the front.

If a bum is one's behind, what is the UK term for an old, panhandling hobo kind of guy? Are they bums, as well?
I usually address them as 'Oi! Scumbag! Get a job!'
 
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#24
Miami TV Psychic Dubs Self Rumpologist; Reads Bare Backsides On Air

POSTED: 6:36 am EST December 22, 2004
UPDATED: 6:51 am EST December 22, 2004

MIAMI -- It's 10 minutes before the show goes live on the air, and nobody predicted the developing dilemma.

The show's gossip reporter is having second thoughts about dropping his pants on live television to have his buttocks read by local television psychic Professor Jose Miranda.

"What about reading it over my underwear?" asks the reporter, clearly upset and looking very serious.

"I can't see the lines. How do you expect me to give a reading?" the oracle answers, just as serious. "I have to see the lines."

Following an ardent debate, the producers of the phenomenally popular and raunchy late-night talk show La Cosa Nostra on Spanish-language WJAN-TV Channel 41 finally conclude Miranda must ascertain somebody else's future.

Given the show's popularity, and Miranda's buzz that has made him an overnight sensation, the 53-year-old Little Havana soothsayer and self-proclaimed "rumpologist" should foresee no problem finding volunteers.

The program's highly rated rump-shaking segments of scantily clad models and the flamboyant theatrics of Argentine co-host Javier Ceriani have taken a back seat to Miranda's revealing fortune telling.

As it is, on the strength of its other features, the nightly show has been one of the most talked-about programs in the Miami-Dade County area for more than a year. Its grade-school humor exploits are recounted and potty-mouthed catchphrases repeated on Spanish-language radio stations everywhere.

But ever since Miranda appeared on the show and read the fannies of some of the show's regulars, the alleged ancient psychic art form has become the butt of the show's jokes.

"The show has taken a different turn, if that's even possible," segment producer Francisco Chinea said. "He's become the show's most important celebrity. We can't have him on the show enough."

Since his first appearance on the show in late November, the producers have twice invited back Miranda, including one recent show devoted entirely to readings of "nalgas," Spanish for buttocks.

Using bamboo sticks dipped in scented oil and crystals -- though they may appear like garden pebbles to the untrained eye, Miranda assures they are "crystals specially imported from the Orient" -- the butt oracle traces every line, curvature, dimple and imperfection of a person's posterior. He does this, of course, with a straight face.

"The left cheek is the cheek of the future," Miranda said. "The right cheek is the cheek of the present. Your love life, your money, your career, everything is there. It's no different than reading a palm or someone's eyes."

Miranda is quite serious about his craft.

He began his studies into spirituality and numerology as a teenager in Havana. He doesn't claim to have supernatural psychic abilities, sticking mainly to numerology-based fortune telling such as tarot cards and horoscopes.

"Yo no soy brujo," Miranda insisted, meaning he's not a witch.

Since arriving in Miami in 1980 during the Mariel boatlift, Miranda said, he has made a modest living reading fortunes from his home and as a regular guest on local radio and television shows. He won't discuss his rates publicly, nor divulge the size of his clientele.

It wasn't until four years ago that he began delving into rumpology. That was when he met actor Sylvester Stallone's mother, Jacqueline, at a psychic convention. As it turns out, Rocky's mom is a noted rumpologist, devoting an entire Web site to it.

"People are hearing more about it ever since Jackie put it out there," Miranda said. "My clients are always demanding new ways of seeing things. I agree. The more you read, the more accurate the prophecies become."

In some psychic circles, rumpology's not exactly a welcome subject, said Sheree Silver, president of the nonprofit Shiloh Spiritual Center in St. Augustine.

"I can't imagine anyone wasting their time and money on someone like this when there are so many legitimate psychics out there," she said.

Miranda is quick to dismiss his detractors, saying his clients have expressed no complaints and have come back for more. At the same time, Miranda admits that many are bashful about baring themselves in front of him. Fortunately, the magic of technology is available.

"A lot of them prefer to e-mail me their pictures," Miranda said. "I encourage them to send one with a high-resolution."

The trouser-dropping phobia became evident during Miranda's most recent appearance on La Cosa Nostra. With the gossip reporter refusing to go on, and with most of the regulars already having had their behinds read recently, Edwuin Bautista, a disk jockey with radio station WCMQ-92.3 FM, volunteered from the studio audience to be the final spectacle.

Moments later, with the closing credits rolling and the entire studio in hysterics, there on the other end of Miranda's bamboo stick was Bautista's droopy and follicle-adorned rump beholding a fortune.

Both appeared bleak.

--------------------------
Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press.
Source
 

Yithian

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#25
Buck says even amateur buttock readers can
make a broad-brush assessment of people's personalities.
"An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life," he said. "A
pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient and down-to-earth."
So, buttock phrenology... ok. Does anybody know what's [Ancient] Greek for arse? I need to get a proper label on this.

edit: I suppose loosely: proctological prognostication.
 
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Leaferne

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#26
Jackie Stallone (Sylvester's mother) swears she can read bumprints the way others claim to read palms.
 
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EnolaGaia

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