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Sticking Plaster On The Bottom

GNC

GNC

King-Sized Canary
Joined
Aug 25, 2001
Messages
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Heard this one from my dad. Someone he knows, knows of a doctor from up Orkney way who liked a tipple, and one night on the way back home, he stumbled drunkenly and fell on the whisky bottle in his back pocket, breaking it. When he got back home and undressed for bed, he found he had cut his bottom, so fetched a sticking plaster and steadied himself in front of the full length mirror to apply it, then went to bed.

The next morning his wife rose before he did, and woke him up with a peculiar question - did he know why there was a plaster stuck to the mirror?

True or FOAF tale? Anyone heard that one?
 
This is one of the shaggy dog stories I used to tell my kids. First came across it in print somewhere as a young teenager in the early '70s and may heard Dave Allen tell it.
 
escargot said:
and may heard Dave Allen tell it.
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Exactly! What were your parents like, when it came to Dave Allen on TV late at night?

Mine were extremely split-brain about him...laughed at all his jokes, yet professed their disapproval of him. And made ineffectual efforts not to let him be seen by me or my sibs.

Same with Fawlty Towers, Monty Python, Dr Who etc etc.

If it wasn't Blue Peter/Jackanory, or was on after the 6 o'clock news, 'twas the devil's work. And if it was on after 9pm, it was worth contacting Mary Whitehouse by letter even before the programme started. Smut, surrealism & innuendo....that was everything on British TV of the 1970s. Thankfully....
 
GNC said:
...one night on the way back home, he stumbled drunkenly and fell on the whisky bottle in his back pocket, breaking it...
Click to expand...

At which point, the story diverges from my mum's version (bn. Perth, 1913), where the victim feels something running down his leg and says, "I hope tae Gawd that's blood!"

maximus otter
 
Goes back longer than I thought, then! I was sceptical because it must be difficult to break a curved bottle by sitting (or landing) on it, it would merely slip out from under you.
 
The version I heard was about an Irishman with a boil on his buttock. He decided to cover it with a plaster, and proceedings continue as above.

My version involved Paddy dropping his pants and backing carefully up to the mirror, plaster in hand, looking over one shoulder and concentrating hard...

I may have demonstrated. Kids used to be hysterical.
 
GNC said:
Goes back longer than I thought, then! I was sceptical because it must be difficult to break a curved bottle by sitting (or landing) on it, it would merely slip out from under you.
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I saw a very stupid girl put a glass under someone as they were sitting down and in reaching under to see what had gone 'crunch', the 'sitter' cut his hand badly on the already broken glass and I took then to outpatients for some nice stitches. Well, stitches anyway.
 
Coal said:
I saw a very stupid girl put a glass under someone as they were sitting down and in reaching under to see what had gone 'crunch', the 'sitter' cut his hand badly on the already broken glass and I took then to outpatients for some nice stitches. Well, stitches anyway.
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What a stupid stunt. A daft trick too.

My late mother in law used to tell a story about a female workmate who suffered severe internal injuries after colleagues loosened the seat on her work chair so she'd fall off. She slipped onto the exposed steel seat support with some force and things went badly after that.
Also, a workmate of mine told me about a man who tripped and fell backwards into a shop window display from where a dummy had been removed, leaving its stand behind which consisted of a flat plate with a 9" spike sticking up from it...
 
escargot said:
My late mother in law used to tell a story about a female workmate who suffered severe internal injuries after colleagues loosened the seat on her work chair so she'd fall off. She slipped onto the exposed steel seat support with some force and things went badly after that. Also, a workmate of mine told me about a man who tripped and fell backwards into a shop window display from where a dummy had been removed, leaving its stand behind which consisted of a flat plate with a 9" spike sticking up from it...
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Thx escargot. Nothing puts me in the Xmas spirit more than hearing about ghastly work-related accidental impalings. :jtease::rednose:
 
escargot said:
More bum-related anecdotes, please.
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Broke butts: they have become quite a rarity, in this ultra-safe HSE / OSHA ruled universe we all now inhabit. The cheek of it- 21st century gluteus minimus.

Unless someone slips-up, of course.

Which I will inevitably do, following the first ice underfoot. I've invested in a pair of these oversole rubber spiked thingamajigs, which might save me (or be my undoing).
 
:rolleyes: Do I 'ave ter do EVERYTHIN' round'ere? :dunno:

A common and usually minor bum-problem that sometimes arises is the superficial skin abscess.

Techy had one earlier this year. He complained of soreness and showed me the, er, area.

I recognised it right away and ordered him to see the doctor. The male reflex kicked in and he refused on the grounds of time, inconvenience, showing the doctor his arse etc.

We bickered for a day or two, during which time the swelling increased and Techy's temper grew shorter.
I eventually shouted 'This is URGENT! You could DIE!' which is true if a little dramatic.

When he reluctantly saw the doctor, who had to look closely at the site, there was some delay while the sophisticated see-through rubbery plaster I'd applied was grumpily picked off.

Doctor then pronounced it an abscess and complimented Techy on his vigilance. If he'd left it any longer the inflammation would spread with serious results.

Antibiotics were prescribed which saw it off.
Without them or if they weren't taken Techy'd've possibly needed an operation and/or developed cellulitis and septicaemia and maybe died.

Keep an eye on your bums. :wink2:

There's also scope for an infected pilonidal sinus which I often saw being treated on the wards. Horrendous.
Another problem that can be avoided with vigilance.
Hairy men: pay close attention to your bum-cracks. Any itching or soreness whatsoever - get it looked at PDQ.
 
escargot said:
:rolleyes: Do I 'ave ter do EVERYTHIN' round'ere? :dunno:

A common and usually minor bum-problem that sometimes arises is the superficial skin abscess.

Techy had one earlier this year. He complained of soreness and showed me the, er, area.

I recognised it right away and ordered him to see the doctor. The male reflex kicked in and he refused on the grounds of time, inconvenience, showing the doctor his arse etc.

We bickered for a day or two, during which time the swelling increased and Techy's temper grew shorter.
I eventually shouted 'This is URGENT! You could DIE!' which is true if a little dramatic.

When he reluctantly saw the doctor, who had to look closely at the site, there was some delay while the sophisticated see-through rubbery plaster I'd applied was grumpily picked off.

Doctor then pronounced it an abscess and complimented Techy on his vigilance. If he'd left it any longer the inflammation would spread with serious results.

Antibiotics were prescribed which saw it off.
Without them or if they weren't taken Techy'd've possibly needed an operation and/or developed cellulitis and septicaemia and maybe died.

Keep an eye on your bums. :wink2:

There's also scope for an infected pilonidal sinus which I often saw being treated on the wards. Horrendous.
Another problem that can be avoided with vigilance.
Hairy men: pay close attention to your bum-cracks. Any itching or soreness whatsoever - get it looked at PDQ.
Click to expand...
I cannot see my bum. This may present problems.
 
catseye said:
I think the neighbours may think this infringes their human rights.
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What you could do is find a big mirror, turn your back on it, twist round to look at it over your shoulder, drop your pants, bend over, unwrap a plaster, shuffle backwards towards the mirror until you can see the problem then put the plaster on... oh yeah. :thought:
 
My mother told a tale of her Great-Uncle (a respected Physician) who on the way back from an appointment (possibly via the pub), took a tumble with a small jar of German mustard in his back pocket. The reaction of his wife as she cleaned him up has ensured the incident lived on in family folklore for at least the past 125 years.
 
escargot said:
Keep an eye on your bums. :wink2:

There's also scope for an infected pilonidal sinus which I often saw being treated on the wards. Horrendous.
Another problem that can be avoided with vigilance.
Hairy men: pay close attention to your bum-cracks. Any itching or soreness whatsoever - get it looked at PDQ.
Click to expand...

Tigerhawk said:
(Refrains from commenting....)
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Picking up the slack...

tumblr_oi4qslhswl1ql2w65o8_400-2.gif
 
escargot said:
What you could do is find a big mirror, turn your back on it, twist round to look at it over your shoulder, drop your pants, bend over, unwrap a plaster, shuffle backwards towards the mirror until you can see the problem then put the plaster on... oh yeah. :thought:
Click to expand...
There is only one mirror in my house and that's above the bathroom sink.

Bring me a ladder, a length of bungee cord, two scaffolding planks, a magnifying mirror, security footwear and a harness. Oh, and a plaster.
 
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