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Toilet Talk

The last few days I've been 'unwell' in the Toilet scene - lots of explosive farts and pebble-dash results, with frequent visits to the loo required. (I haven't logged all this here, or I'd have taken over the thread!)

My one visit today so far avoided the sound effects, etc, and although not very productive, it felt like the most normal dump I've had for days. Fingers crossed, I'm past the worst of the troubles now...
 
Mine have been a mixture, sort of like a McDonalds milk shake machine dispensing a flow of brownie 'goodness' with the occasional alteaser included. I blame the cold weather. I'm having an omelette for breakfast because of it.
 
A few years back, my daughters mate, (at the time about 14/15yrs old), whilst staying over at ours, had a 'poo' which unbeknown at the time- didnt flush away completely.... anyway i went to the loo shortly afterwards to find captain log in dock, and i swear it was the size of an aerosol can :eek: how the hell she passed that i will never know as she was only of a small build!

Unfortunately our house seems to have a mysterious toilet blocker - no one ever owns up?? ( no its not her mate) I am fed up of shoving the offending blockage round the bend, not nice especially when its not your own. its all because of the amount of bog paper being used. We can easily get through a roll a day in our house and theres only me, the wife and two daughters
 
I have no idea how someone would pass a log that huge.
Slack anal muscles?
Lubricated bum?
Gigantic sphincter?
WTF.
 
Toilet Explosion Kills 1 & Injures 7

A toilet explosion sparked by the build of sewer gas killed one and injured seven others - leaving an entire neighbourhood looking like a war zone.

The lethal mix of methane, ammonia and hydrogen sulphide from a build up of human waste created a devastating blast, blowing the entire loo block in Yulin, northern China, sky high.
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davidplankton said:
Near the Cathedral in Durham there is an old metal lamp post known as the 'Stink Pipe' which had a flame that burned sewer gas. They probably had them all over, but this one's still there. It was turned off for the Blackout in WW2 and never lit again.
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That sounds like a waste of good gas. They could use that for generating electricity.
 
OneWingedBird said:
I used to find the 'water saving' toilets at the community centre where I used to work were dreadful for getting rid of a particularly robust stool... quite often there'd be no flush left so I'd have to leave it until the cystern had filled up again.

More often than not, as the toilet was on the landing and shared with other offices, someone else would get there first... must have though it was disgusting, but what can you do? :huh:
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Seconded. local councils are bastards for this: in a council job, I got into the habit of taking the lid off the cistern and manually disabling the "short flush" mechanism to get the bloody cistern adequately full to flush properly. All very well saving water, but not at the cost of the lav not being able to do its job properly!
 
My nephew used to work for a water board in Reading.
One of the things he had to do was contact customers and try to get them to use a water saver in their cisterns.
I explained to him that I thought it was a crap idea, because it would make the flush less effective and actually use more water (because more flushes would be required to shift the poo).
He agreed, but that was his job... :D
 
Mythopoeika said:
That sounds like a waste of good gas. They could use that for generating electricity.
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It's probably totally disconnected now. The story goes that there was an incredible stink all around the Bailey when it was first cut off.
Thing is, I was just looking at it on Monday. Now would be a good time to mention St Cuthbert's Mist, although I am not claiming that there is any kind of link.

St Cuthbert's Mist Foils The Luftwaffe.
 
davidplankton said:
Is that the same as putting a brick in there?
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Yep.
The 'water saver' was the equivalent of a brick. I think it was a bag or plastic container that you filled with water and then left in the cistern. Useless idea.
 
Woah, wait a minute, I have a water saving toilet that works fine. It has a couple of buttons on it with dots on each: press two for a poo and one for a wee. Never had a problem with it.
 
GNC said:
Woah, wait a minute, I have a water saving toilet that works fine. It has a couple of buttons on it with dots on each: press two for a poo and one for a wee. Never had a problem with it.
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Yes, that's different.
 
Ah, but......as a male, GNC, you may not use toilet paper when you go for a wee.
You may simply -ahem -shake the drips off.
Females use toilet paper whichever bodily function is being performed, and a decent flush is required to get rid of it.
 
Recycled1 said:
Ah, but......as a male, GNC, you may not use toilet paper when you go for a wee.
You may simply -ahem -shake the drips off.
Females use toilet paper whichever bodily function is being performed, and a decent flush is required to get rid of it.
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Two buttons it is, then!
 
Well, as i have been on here a while now, i feel i can share a tale or two with you good people and not feel too judged by it...... we shall see !... lol
One sunday morning about three years ago, whilst out walking the dog i found a nice quite rural spot that had a nice fishy looking pond surrounded by trees, pretty much in the middle of nowhere - the only buildings nearby were some industrial type units.
Now i enjoy a bit of fishing on occasion so decided to fish it the following weekend.
So the following sunday i was up at dawn, some tackle gathered up and off i went. shortly afterwards im there catching bits n bats, when the dreaded turtles head began making its feelings felt..... (i'd had a BIG curry the night before too) well i sat it out as long as i dared but eventually i had to relent.
As i was quite a way from civilisation, and surrounded by woods, i decided it would be ok to 'go' in the trees, seeing as i had plenty of tissues - this was no problem.
Feeling much better now, and a lot lighter, i got back to my fishing. About an hour or so later,(by now prob's about 8 - 9 am) i heard this bloke clearly walking his dog (which sounded huge) and although i didnt see either of them, i could hear him scalding the animal by telling it to "put it down" and "come out of there" etc etc.....
Well.... when i was walking back to my car later on, i had a quick look at where i'd done the dirty deed.... and every last trace was GONE.... tissues and everything..... :eek:
I had visions afterwards of the dog getting home and giving his "mum" a big sloppy kiss... "who's a good boy then..... oooh your breath smells a bit".......
 
Dogs will eat any old crap, it's official. Ewww.
 
Truly, nothing is hidden from security camera in airports these days....

Damn, wrong link. But can I find the right one again? It showed people in an airport lounge through a thermal-imaging camera. One woman casually drops a fart and walks on, thinking nobody's noticed... the fart, meanwhile, billows in rippling technicolour...
 
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Peripart said:
Apart from making me want to check under the toilet seat, was that video in the right thread?
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This is it. it might not quite fit the criteria for a thread called "toilet talk", but it's certainly lavatorial. Truly there is no escape from modern technology. For one thing it makes it difficult to stand there, look innocent, and blame it on somebody else, according to the now obselete "he who smelt it, dealt it" law.

 
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AgProv said:
This is it. it might not quite fit the criteria for a thread called "toilet talk", but it's certainly lavatorial. Truly there is no escape from modern technology. For one thing it makes it difficult to stand there, look innocent, and blame it on somebody else, according to the now obselete "he who smelt it, dealt it" law.

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Going off tangent slightly (again), I once went to a nightclub with three off duty Scopeys (slang for military radar technicians) ... they had one of these hand held devices, we'd already used it to try and find a ghost in the hotel I was working at after hours, they had a third more seedy use for it though ... one would wander off to chat up a woman while the other two watched the screen .. if her thighs started changing colour, that's when the operator would press the laser dot button (also on the gadget) so the chatting up bloke could tell if she fancied him or not .. an impressive misuse of military equipment but also all a bit rapey creepy.
 
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