• We have updated the guidelines regarding posting political content: please see the stickied thread on Website Issues.

Ageing & Growing Old

Are you growing older?

  • Yes, I am

    Votes: 82 61.7%

  • No, I'm getting younger

    Votes: 28 21.1%

  • Sorry, I don't understand the question

    Votes: 16 12.0%

  • I'm a Mod; I think adding silly polls to chat threads is pointless

    Votes: 7 5.3%
  • Total voters
    133
An email from my brother today reports that our 'young' cousin died recently in a motor-bike accident, just weeks after his father (my uncle) died. So my aunt has lost her husband and her son in quick succession. I say he was 'young' because I only remember him as a child, but he must have been in his forties at least.

Only the good die young, the rest of us just fester on, dying by degrees...
 
rynner2 said:
An email from my brother today reports that our 'young' cousin died recently in a motor-bike accident, just weeks after his father (my uncle) died. So my aunt has lost her husband and her son in quick succession. I say he was 'young' because I only remember him as a child, but he must have been in his forties at least.

Only the good die young, the rest of us just fester on, dying by degrees...
Click to expand...

My condolences. May they Rest In Peace.
 
rynner2 said:
So my aunt has lost her husband and her son in quick succession.
Click to expand...


Earlier this year, I attended the funeral of a relative who was predeceased by three of his sons. Two were road traffic accidents: one in a car and one on a motorbike. In both cases the vehicle had come off the road and collided with a tree/telegraph pole against the odds, turning a survivable incident into a fatal one. The third son was still a student when he fell into a canal, his body retrieved from the sea some weeks later.

On a more positive note, his later years were enriched by the detective work of one of his "wild-oats." He was tracked down by a daughter he did not know he had! :)
 
Last edited:
I haven't known many parents whose children pre-deceased them, but I've noticed the emotional impact has been remarkably severe - on a par with losing a long-term spouse - in every case.
 
EnolaGaia said:
I haven't known many parents whose children pre-deceased them, but I've noticed the emotional impact has been remarkably severe - on a par with losing a long-term spouse - in every case.
Click to expand...

My inlaws are now facing this. BiL went on to the palliative care path this morning and the family are gathering. If anyone has ideas for supporting them.......
 
Yithian said:
Aside: I really wish I could remove the 'death approaches' subtitle from this thread... by which I mean I wish I had permission to do so--it's morbid. Whatdya think, Rynner?
Click to expand...
It describes my life - I spend a good portion of every day contemplating my approaching death, and wondering when and how it will arrive. Younger people have more urgent things to think about (work, raising children, keeping the house and car running, etc, etc,) but as you grow older these other things diminish in importance and eventually drop out of consideration almost entirely. Which leaves only the ultimate questions to ponder...

YOU may find it morbid, but it's reality for me and many other old folk. Much of our earlier lives have been stripped away, often in unexpected ways, and the reality of our approaching deaths becomes more important in our thinking. We don't often talk about it, because we know that younger people don't like to hear it - but they'll learn, in time.

So my mission on this thread is to try to pass that message on. Once old people were honoured for their experience and wisdom, but the modern world has changed. You can try ignoring death, but the Grim Reaper will get you in the end! :twisted:
 
Frideswide said:
My inlaws are now facing this. BiL went on to the palliative care path this morning and the family are gathering. If anyone has ideas for supporting them.......
Click to expand...

Condolences on what appears to be an imminent death in the family ...

I'm not sure there's a particular general theme evident in all parents' reactions to a child's death.

The one thing I've sensed in the cases familiar to me is that a much of any resulting immediate or residual angst seems to be self-inflicted by the parent(s) in reflecting on the situation. This is most obvious in the cases where the parent may feel the context, if not the proximate cause, of death at least partially traced back to things the parent should have or could have done or not done. Here are a couple of examples ...

The earliest such case in my experience involved a teen who died in a traffic accident while riding his latest (flashy; powerful) motorcycle. His father - a pharmacist, relatively affluent for that time / place - beat himself up for having fostered his son's motorcycle mania, even though the accident was apparently not the boy's fault. As I recall, the father was something of a 'motorhead' himself. He was never quite the same after that ...

One of the latest such cases in my experience (and the one to which I was the closest) involved a blue collar dad who'd done the best he could to simply make a living and raise 4 children his schizophrenic wife couldn't adequately deal with. His personal habits (perhaps amplified by his burdens) including chronic drinking and heavy smoking.

His 2 eldest children died in chronological / birth order because of (a) chronic self-abusive habits, including alcoholism sufficient to warrant a liver transplant; and (b) lung cancer preceded by lifelong chain smoking, respectively. Both were in their 50's when they died.

The father was himself plagued with a variety of lifestyle-related health problems (including cancer and heart problems requiring surgeries). His emotional / psychic tailspins following the children's deaths were worse than what he evidenced in the wake of his wife's passing, and during the 4 or 5 years he lived beyond the latter child's death he would recurrently ask if he'd provided a bad lifestyle example.

The only advice I can offer is to monitor the parents for signs of somehow turning the death back on themselves.
 
After writing my previous post, I watched a bit of iPlayer, then I happened to glance out of the window and saw an ambulance waiting there! :eek:

Part of the reason death is so much on my mind is that this is a home for the over 60s, and often some of the residents go off in an ambulance and are never seen again...

Sometimes doctors call at odd times, and undertakers, and sometimes the Police have to come and break in to a flat if the resident cannot be contacted...

Maybe if I lived in my own home with my family around me my attitude to death would be more 'arms length', but my life did not work out that way.

So here the realities of life and death confront me almost daily.
 
rynner2 said:
... So my mission on this thread is to try to pass that message on. Once old people were honoured for their experience and wisdom, but the modern world has changed. You can try ignoring death, but the Grim Reaper will get you in the end! :twisted:
Click to expand...

Thanks for the clarification, Rynner. I've sometimes wondered if the consensually-perceived thrust of this thread was aging in general versus more specifically addressing the inevitable conclusion and how one addresses it.
 
rynner2 said:
It describes my life - I spend a good portion of every day contemplating my approaching death, and wondering when and how it will arrive. Younger people have more urgent things to think about (work, raising children, keeping the house and car running, etc, etc,) but as you grow older these other things diminish in importance and eventually drop out of consideration almost entirely. Which leaves only the ultimate questions to ponder...

YOU may find it morbid, but it's reality for me and many other old folk. Much of our earlier lives have been stripped away, often in unexpected ways, and the reality of our approaching deaths becomes more important in our thinking. We don't often talk about it, because we know that younger people don't like to hear it - but they'll learn, in time.

So my mission on this thread is to try to pass that message on. Once old people were honoured for their experience and wisdom, but the modern world has changed. You can try ignoring death, but the Grim Reaper will get you in the end! :twisted:
Click to expand...

Fair enough, Rynner--entirely up to you.
 
EnolaGaia, that is very usefuly! :kiss:
 
rynner2 said:
Part of the reason death is so much on my mind is that this is a home for the over 60s, and often some of the residents go off in an ambulance and are never seen again...
Click to expand...

Over 60s? Spring chickens, y'mean? I'm 60 next year and I'm as fit as a flea. :cool:

Well, as fit as a flea that's cracking on but can still ride a bike uphill. ;)
 
GNC said:
If you spend every day pondering the end, how can you enjoy what you have now?
Click to expand...
What I have now is pain everyday, bowel problems, etc, etc.

When I was 60 I too was 'fit as a flea', (like Scarg), but now I'm pushing 72 and things have changed.
 
GNC said:
If you spend every day pondering the end, how can you enjoy what you have now?
Click to expand...

It's OK to enjoy the ride, but failing to keep an eye out for what lies ahead is irresponsible ...
 
min_bannister said:
You did start this thread 11 years ago though. Just saying!
Click to expand...

Yeah, when he was slightly older than I am now. I don't dwell on death though, and that's not because I haven't had close personal experience of bereavement because I certainly have. The concept of death has definitely been brought home to me.

It's a frame of mind. I've been careful of my health since my teens and have avoided the bad habits and gone in for good ones ever since. No smoking, moderate drinking, a healthy diet, lots of exercise; in the hope of, if not necessarily prolonging my life, at least enjoying reasonable health for a little longer.

3-2-1 - here come the comments about being knocked down by a bus anyway. Mostly, I'll guess, from smokers/drinkers/couch potatoes. Rock on.
 
escargot1 said:
It's a frame of mind. I've been careful of my health since my teens and have avoided the bad habits and gone in for good ones ever since. No smoking, moderate drinking, a healthy diet, lots of exercise; in the hope of, if not necessarily prolonging my life, at least enjoying reasonable health for a little longer.

3-2-1 - here come the comments about being knocked down by a bus anyway. Mostly, I'll guess, from smokers/drinkers/couch potatoes. Rock on.
Click to expand...
I have the same attitude. Plus you might not get hit by that bus after all but wish you would be.
 
One of the sadest realisations I had recently was that with the passing of my mother's last sibling, both my father and mother are the last in their respectives families still living. They both now have a whole series of memories of growing up that only they know, no-one to reminisce with.
 
EnolaGaia said:
It's OK to enjoy the ride, but failing to keep an eye out for what lies ahead is irresponsible ...
Click to expand...

Count your blessings, make hay while the sun shines, eat drink and be merry, etc. Obviously a decline is inevitable, but don't let it ruin your life because it was all you thought about when you didn't realise how good you had it.
 
GNC said:
Count your blessings, make hay while the sun shines, eat drink and be merry, etc. Obviously a decline is inevitable, but don't let it ruin your life because it was all you thought about when you didn't realise how good you had it.
Click to expand...

True ... It's a matter of degree and proportionality. However, I can personally attest to the misery induced by either too little or too much attention to the inevitable ...

On the one hand, I've seen cases where someone never bothered with a will, resulting in a default distribution anyone who knew the deceased rightfully understood represented little or nothing the departed would have wanted, much less prescribed. The most painful such case is one I know all too intimately from 5 decades of close friendship.

On the other hand, I'm currently executor for my late sole sibling (and last surviving member of my immediate family), who was plotting and drafting a notably vengeful will at least as far back as 15 years prior to his death (meaning back to his mid 40's).

The perturbations caused by the former example's lack of anticipatory action effectively destroyed all linkages among the immediate family he left behind.

The latter example (known via elaborate records and endless drafts of his eventual 'probate bomb') illustrates someone who prematurely and obsessively dedicated all too much energy to a revenge that seems to have obsessed him for the last quarter of his lifespan - a revenge whose motivation still eludes coherent explanation.
 
EnolaGaia said:
On the other hand, I'm currently executor for my late sole sibling (and last surviving member of my immediate family), who was plotting and drafting a notably vengeful will at least as far back as 15 years prior to his death (meaning back to his mid 40's).
Click to expand...

My maternal grandfather did the same thing. He was positively gleeful about his vengeful will. It wasn't exactly secret though, he's often yell about who was "out of the will" when he was displeased with them.
 
Ulalume said:
My maternal grandfather did the same thing. He was positively gleeful about his vengeful will. It wasn't exactly secret though, he's often yell about who was "out of the will" when he was displeased with them.
Click to expand...
I can remember over hearing a young relative when I was walking down the stairs shouting about (on her phone) about how she was going to get 'him' to sign that paperwork when I worked the wards ... fucking bitch ..
 
When my grandpa eventually had to leave his home to move into sheltered accommodation, we discovered he had sold his pretty expensive house some years before in an agreement with some highly dodgy company; grandpa picked up a few thousand, the company collected a LOT more. All to prevent his family getting very much in his will, and to make a small profit while he was alive.
 
GNC said:
When my grandpa eventually had to leave his home to move into sheltered accommodation, we discovered he had sold his pretty expensive house some years before in an agreement with some highly dodgy company; grandpa picked up a few thousand, the company collected a LOT more. All to prevent his family getting very much in his will, and to make a small profit while he was alive.
Click to expand...
Absolutely crazy.
My Dad's Mum sold off his inheritance cheaply too. He was most upset once all the financial details were sorted out after her death. He and his brother were told by their father that they would inherit a parcel of land across the road from the house. After grandfather's death, Nana sold off that land very cheaply without telling them and she moved into another house closer to the town centre. Years later, she died in a nursing home. There was very little money left.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top