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Inexplicable Attraction To Strangers

Zeke Newbold said:
Hello Agprov. Yes, I have experienced this once -and only once!

Background: I am a heterosexual, slightly aspergic, single guy who has never really been `in love` and certaily not given to romantic sentimentalism. Much of what you have written above could have been written by myself.

With me it occured about 15 years back when I still lived in the UK. I kept seeing a woman who appeard in my own local supermarket and I felt an intense attraction to her almost on sight. In my case it was a physical attraction, but cioupled with sense that, if only we were to meet up, we would get on well.

I think she could have been described as conventionally attractive - quite athteltic, well proprtioned, with long, messy dark brown hair and a mysterious central European look about her (I would later learn that she was foreign, but couldn't place the accent). However, much as you said, I have seen many attractive women - I currently live in what must be one of the drop-dead-women capitals of the world - without anything like the same effect.

As for how I rationalised it: around about that time I had been reading one of John Cleese's and Robyn Skinner's books - either `Life and How To Survive It `or `Families and How to Survive Them` - and in one of those they discuss the psychology of instant attraction. Accroding to them, if a person has been through the same things as yourself in early childhood then these will show in their fixed expressions and demeanour and hence you will feel comfortble with them and drawn to them. (Indeed, I remember being fascinated by the fact that she had a vsry slight limp in one leg, and an odd pained expression on her face).

Except if that were the case then the feeling would have been mutual (see later). Also why have I not experienced anything like that intensity before or since? There must be many women out there with similar developmental histories out there to myself - but this encounter really stood out and I have remembered it, and felt puzzled by it ever since.

In my case I did in fact make a hamfisted attempt to express my feelings to her - but I came across as a crass fool. In fact, she told her boyfriend - a tall, military looking type - about me. So it all ended rather awkwardly and scarily.

So, yeah, only once.

I would love to get other's take on what this is all about. (But, perleaze, let's not turn this into another All Men Are Sex Pests thread -it's not about that at all).
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I wouldn't fret about this at all.

OCCURENCE ONE:

I once met a woman in a bar.
She was a friend of a friend, part of a group of 15 or so friends and acquaintances who had gone out together.
I knew about half of them.

I had an instant strong physical attraction to her, very forceful.

I was introduced to her by our mutual friend, not with any special intent, simply in passing as he introduced all the unfamiliar members of the group to each other.

I made a bit of conversation, but was quite thrown off by the situation, to the point I just made some polite conversation for fear of losing my cool.
I got her number, cannot remember if she gave it to me or my friend did.
I called her the next night, told her I wanted to take her out, and that she had made quite the impression on me.
She was stunned into silence for about 30 seconds...that's a long time for silence on a phone call.
So I asked her...will you meet me for a drink, yes or no?

She said that she would not, because she had a boyfriend.
I replied "OK", we chatted for another minute and the conversation ended.



I saw her again in passing about a month later, had a brief chat, but then saw her again two years later.

On that occasion I had no feelings towards her at all.

I only know that if I had not enquired about her availability, I would have regretted it.

OCCURENCE TWO:

I was on the London Underground late a t night.
Opposite me was an attractive lady.
Similar age to me.

I really wanted to talk to her, so I made conversation and handed her a business card of a business I worked in at the time.
Turned out she wa sin the same line of work.
I took her number too.

I had yet to call her, when over the next three months we kept bumping into each other.
Either in the street, in shops, or on the London Underground.

We lived in the same area, so it was quite possible this would happen.
But it happened a lot, and at times when I was outside of my usual commute.

We got to know each other, and we had similar interests, but a profound difference in terms of life approach and spirituality.

I think if I remember rightly we did have one sort of date, but I decided our differences were too great.

I saw her once a couple of years later in the street, then never again.

I believe I was meant to meet her, that somehow we were meant to exchange views.
The frequency and places of meeting were too much to be by chance.
Perhaps we knew each other from a past life?

But that the meaning of it all was that I was to learn she was not for me.
 
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Victory said:
I wouldn't fret about this at all.

OCCURENCE ONE:

I once met a woman in a bar.
She was a friend of a friend, part of a group of 15 or so friends and acquaintances who had gone out together.
I knew about half of them.

I had an instant strong physical attraction to her, very forceful.

I was introduced to her by our mutual friend, not with any special intent, simply in passing as he introduced all the unfamiliar members of the group to each other.

I made a bit of conversation, but was quite thrown off by the situation, to the point I just made some polite conversation for fear of losing my cool.
I got her number, cannot remember if she gave it to me or my friend did.
I called her the next night, told her I wanted to take her out, and that she had made quite the impression on me.
She was stunned into silence for about 30 seconds...that's a long time for silence on a phone call.
So I asked her...will you meet me for a drink, yes or no?

She said that she would not, because she had a boyfriend.
I replied "OK", we chatted for another minute and the conversation ended.



I saw her again in passing about a month later, had a brief chat, but then saw her again two years later.

On that occasion I had no feelings towards her at all.

I only know that if I had not enquired about her availability, I would have regretted it.

OCCURENCE TWO:

I was on the London Underground late a t night.
Opposite me was an attractive lady.
Similar age to me.

I really wanted to talk to her, so I made conversation and handed her a business card of a business I worked in at the time.
Turned out she wa sin the same line of work.
I took her number too.

I had yet to call her, when over the next three months we kept bumping into each other.
Either in the street, in shops, or on the London Underground.

We lived in the same area, so it was quite possible this would happen.
But it happened a lot, and at times when I was outside of my usual commute.

We got to know each other, and we had similar interests, but a profound difference in terms of life approach and spirituality.

I think if I remember rightly we did have one sort of date, but I decided our differences were too great.

I saw her once a couple of years later in the street, then never again.

I believe I was meant to meet her, that somehow we were meant to exchange views.
The frequency and places of meeting were too much to be by chance.
Perhaps we knew each other from a past life?

But that the meaning of it all was that I was to learn she was not for me.
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I wonder if the fact that they were both attractive women had anything to do with it? Perhaps that subliminal attraction was just more powerful in these two instances because of compatible pheramones?
 
catseye said:
I wonder if the fact that they were both attractive women had anything to do with it? Perhaps that subliminal attraction was just more powerful in these two instances because of compatible pheramones?
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I live in London.
If I go out and about in central London, I will see a lot of attractive women every day.
But these two felt had something that made me feel as if I needed to talk to them.
 
When my youngest was in prep she was friends with a boy and I was friendly with his Mother. One day when I was picking her up after school his Father was there to collect him.
It was odd but I felt that I knew him somehow although I had never met him.
I had to walk down a small lane to get back to my car and for some reason I turned and looked back.
He was standing there just staring.
After that if his wife- who was a lot younger than him- or his son came to my place he was always happy whereas he sometimes objected to some other people.
 
According to a study by the University of Pennsylvania it could be days to be attracted to someone but it can happen in a matter of 3 seconds.

It is thought a person eyes starts the attraction followed by body language.

I have worked all kinds of jobs in my lifetime, and I have worked with all kinds of females young and old.

My wife and I married fairly young and I never even thought about these women I worked with.

But there was once a cashier and I thought she had a beautiful voice almost “ magical “ that actually made me feel like I was drawn to her.

This was an interesting reaction, but I am a “ faithful dog “ to my wife.
 
charliebrown said:
But there was once a cashier and I thought she had a beautiful voice almost “ magical “ that actually made me feel like I was drawn to her.

This was an interesting reaction, but I am a “ faithful dog “ to my wife.
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Give me a guy who can dance. Omg! I can't dance that well, but if a guy does... I was in a wedding party once and one of the groomsmen had a mom who was a dance teacher. We danced all evening. The amazing thing was that I could follow his lead easily (or he was just good enough to avoid me stepping on him). Went out the next day, but that was the last time I saw him.

Even if I see a good male dancer on tv, I have to stop and watch.
 
It is amazing what causes instant attraction.

It can be anything besides sex like a voice, dancing, body shape, or someone who radiates extreme kindness.

It could be the also the opposite like someone who wants to dominate the situation.

Whatever floats your boat or turns your crank and plays your piano keys.
 
I wonder how many people are 'instantly drawn' to people who are - how shall I put this - extremely ugly? I'm not even talking about ordinary ugliness, because one person's plain is another person's attractive, but people who have facial deformities like being covered in warts or with open sores?

The two people I have felt immediate 'I know you' vibes with were both conventionally attractive, although one was female and I am a completely straight woman there still could have been a 'draw' in a symmetrical face.

And I still think scent may well play a part. Anyone been drawn to anyone who smells dreadful (pig farmers etc)?

Because a story of anyone being 'pulled' towards someone who is objectively unattractive and/or who smells of something other than human would be good to hear.
 
maximus otter said:
As the delighted recipient of the attentions of various ladies who suffer from this odd compulsion, I can say that I am thrilled that it exists. Does that count?

maximus otter
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Maximus, I am certain that you are a long way from being warty and covered with open sores.

Well, fairly certain, anyway.
 
catseye said:
I wonder how many people are 'instantly drawn' to people who are - how shall I put this - extremely ugly? I'm not even talking about ordinary ugliness, because one person's plain is another person's attractive, but people who have facial deformities like being covered in warts or with open sores?

The two people I have felt immediate 'I know you' vibes with were both conventionally attractive, although one was female and I am a completely straight woman there still could have been a 'draw' in a symmetrical face.

And I still think scent may well play a part. Anyone been drawn to anyone who smells dreadful (pig farmers etc)?

Because a story of anyone being 'pulled' towards someone who is objectively unattractive and/or who smells of something other than human would be good to hear.
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Large boobs. That's all that matters.
 
Unless we are at the senior citizens hall, my wife and I being in our middle seventies and over weight are invisible in a younger crowd.

Younger people stay away from us and don’t even see us.

This probably goes for even younger people with cosmetic problems.
 
charliebrown said:
Unless we are at the senior citizens hall, my wife and I being in our middle seventies and over weight are invisible in a younger crowd.

Younger people stay away from us and don’t even see us.

This probably goes for even younger people with cosmetic problems.
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I don't believe that this is an attraction thing. I believe that it is because people often don't move out of their comfort zone when in a crowd of people.

When I think of society today, many families are isolated from generations. That is, whether distance or other factors, a lot of people grow up without interacting with different age groups. I know of people in their late twenties who relate to people of your age. They had close relationships with their grandparents and are comfortable with speaking to people who are considerably older than they.

I have friends who are in their twenties. Of course I have met them at work or in a venue that involves a common interest.

It does get difficult as you grow older to make new acquaintances. And small talk is definitely not what I'm good at, but if you can find a common interest it usually is a good start.

You say that you and your better half :)are not seen and avoided, but do you try to turn it around and approach them? Any group of people is hard to break into, but I would hazard a guess that if you looked around, there is someone else who is not directly involved with the group and probably feels invisible as you do. That person would most likely appreciate you saying hello.

I know this because I am shy by nature, and do much better interacting in very small (2-3) groups. I have made myself do things like this throughout my life because if I don't I will be alone.
 
I have to say that I walked into a pub years ago, took one look at the bartender and told my girlfriend who was with me that 'I was going to marry that man' -
The instant attraction was overwhelming, two weeks later he asked me to marry him.
 
Ronnie Jersey said:
I have to say that I walked into a pub years ago, took one look at the bartender and told my girlfriend who was with me that 'I was going to marry that man' -
The instant attraction was overwhelming, two weeks later he asked me to marry him.
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As someone about whom the best that can be said is 'she has a lot of ... personality', if I'd pointed at someone and said 'I'm going to marry that man', all my friends would fall about laughing and ask if I'd learned hypnosis.
 
catseye said:
As someone about whom the best that can be said is 'she has a lot of ... personality', if I'd pointed at someone and said 'I'm going to marry that man', all my friends would fall about laughing and ask if I'd learned hypnosis.
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I guess it hasn't happened to you - they call it 'love at first sight', but to me it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me.
The rest of the room just faded away, and all I could see was this man.
Looking back, I think there must be something scientific to it.
Perhaps that 'pheromone' thing.
 
Ronnie Jersey said:
I guess it hasn't happened to you - they call it 'love at first sight', but to me it was as if a lightning bolt had struck me.
The rest of the room just faded away, and all I could see was this man.
Looking back, I think there must be something scientific to it.
Perhaps that 'pheromone' thing.
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Oh, there have been plenty of people I have had that feeling for.

Problem is, none of them have also had it for me...
 
Supposedly about 60% of the world marriages are arranged and at times the first time the couple have seen each other.

Arranged marriages seem to a have very low divorce rate compared to the typical non arranged divorce rate of 50%.

This seems more like family obligation rather than love at first sight.
 
charliebrown said:
Supposedly about 60% of the world marriages are arranged and at times the first time the couple have seen each other.

Arranged marriages seem to a have very low divorce rate compared to the typical non arranged divorce rate of 50%.

This seems more like family obligation rather than love at first sight.
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I wonder whether though the low divorce rate is cultural as is the arranged marriage thing rather than such marriages being far more successful.
 
PeteS said:
I wonder whether though the low divorce rate is cultural as is the arranged marriage thing rather than such marriages being far more successful.
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Yes, arranged marriages do tend to be more prevalent in cultures where divorce, particularly as a woman, is frowned upon. So I suspect many endure in less-than-wonderful marriages and just 'make it work' rather than bring shame on their families.
 
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