All the material I have read on AIDS in Africa insists that most transmission was by
heterosexual relations, though there may have been some reluctance to spell
out that birth-control considerations led a lot of African ladies to bite their
pillows. I don't think we can take seriously the notion that some races or societies
are gay-free - China used to claim to be and Mao insisted that it was a Western
perversion. The degree of overtly gay behaiviour is going to be determined by the
prevailing social mores.
Anyone who thinks homosexuality is a recent invention should visit this site for an
eye-opening tour of some English history I never learned in school:
Right that's the serious stuff, now for some smut . . .
I was slightly startled to read that necrophilia and bestiality will be made illegal in proposed new legislation. Those wishing to do a two-fer and seduce a dead dog should
do so quickly, while the charges will probably be only outraging pubic decency and disturbing a pet cemetary.
Anyway, with this whole yummy chocolate box of perversions from which to choose, it might be a good time for yet another sexuality test. After all, you never know who you will snog at the next orifice bash.
Research has shown that the peak time for anxieties about one's sexuality
occur on the mornings after excessive alcohol indulgence. The realisation
that something is breathing on the pillow alongside you can be very alarming,
when you haven't the foggiest memory of what on earth it could be.
Here is the side-of-the-bed test, if you are not ready to turn over boldly
and confront your love of the night. This test may not make things better but
it does allow you to weather the shock by degrees. It is based on the simple
premise that what you see by the side of the bed may offer some clues as to
what you have successfully bedded.
Here are some classic cases:
1: A pair of evil trainers and a baseball cap. Don't panic! You may just be a
poor woman with a low-grade husband. If you are a man, you must picture
a worst-case scenario in which you have just slept with Michael Moore. This leaves
room for a sigh of relief when you discover that you have only slept with a 73
year old newspaper-vendor with Alzheimer's Disease - but at least she was female! 100% Straight!
2: A soil-covered spade and a half-dead terrier. This means that your
badger-baiting expedition led to a serious encounter. If there is no terrier,
no sign of badger-breath on your neck and you dimly remember scrambling in an
soil-scented hole, then you may have unearthed an old flame. This is usually a
very bad thing - unless you have been very quick off the mark. 100% Necro!
3: A Bishop's Crozier & Mitre. Unless you actually are a Bishop, you must phone Childline straight away as you are almost certainly under sixteen years of age. 100% Paedo!
4: Your chest is full of scratches and there's a saucer of milk by the bed. You are
clearly a real pussy-man! 100% Bestial!
5: A labrador harness and a white stick. You have been hanging around the
Blind Home again. If it's just the harness and a pair of scissors, then you have been
going there with clear intent. 100% Opportunist.
6: A solitary damp sock. Business as usual or you chased a one-legged man through a puddle. And caught him! 100% Successful.
7: A hard hat and a full Native American headdress. Brace yourself, as you may have bedded half of the Village People. 100% Gay. NB: This rises to 200% Gay, if the rest of the Village People have left their hats on the other side of your bed.
Sorted. So now you know. As for how glad you are - that needs another test entirely.