This morning I decided to 'screw my courage to the sticking-place', and pay for my Co-op supermarket shopping via the self-swipe boothes (this usually ends in tears, but I had my options forced for me through circumstance).
None of the traditional isles were open, and the queue at the kiosk stretched all the way back to the late Triassic, with alcohol/tobacco&hope addicts.
I dutifully put my bags-for-life into the bagging-area, swiped my membership dividend card, and began cautiously swiping my grocery items and newspapers across the chastising terror that is a self-service aisle. I was doing so well, right up until I reached the point of swiping the newspapers, whereupon the alarm went off with the warning "please wait, an assistant is coming" (this, of course, gives your fellow suffers an opportunity to see what prophylactics/pharmaceuticals/hallucinogens/bladed weapons you're trying to steal). Anyway, this interruption was just because the Co-op AI was unwilling to accept that newspapers weigh as little as a newspaper.
At last I was at my end...only to be presented with the words we all know and love "No Cash Payments! Cards only!". Suicide seemed a rather extreme mid-week response, but preferable to the prospect of having to reverse my bagpacking efforts, thereafter to join the end of that queue of addicts.
I briefly prayed to the Gods of Co-op, and had a sudden burst of possible redemption....on the screen, right-hand side, was a cryptic button marked "Pay with Member Benefits".
With a beating heart (I am currently alive) I pressed this button, to find that my 'Membership Balance' was £24.28....
And of course (but you knew this already) my totalised nett cost of all items was...£24.28.
Even after two-for-one, multisave buys, discount offers....cost to me was £0.00
So I pressed the 'Pay With Membership Card' button, snorted my derision at AI shopping, and stumbled out of the shop knowing that this time, I had won.
And I nodded to Derren Brown as he winked at me by the exit.
(ps this last bit was made-up, it was actually Dynamo, the Co-op can't afford Derren)