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Ridiculous Accidents


Gone But Not Forgotten
Jul 27, 2001

Aquarium visitors thrown in shark tank

A party of adults and children on a behind-the-scenes tour at a New Orleans aquarium got closer to some of the exhibits than intended when a footbridge collapsed, pitching some of them into a shark tank.
Ten people fell into the water when the platform - normally used by keepers to feed the fish - gave way.

But the tank's inhabitants - including nurse and sand tiger sharks - had just been fed and kept their distance while the visitors were helped to safety.

Two of the group were treated in hospital for minor cuts and bruises, said Melissa Lee, spokeswoman for the Audobon Aquarium of the Americas.

Wednesday's accident happened while donors to the aquarium were on an after-hours tour.

It was not immediately known what caused the steel platform - which is not usually open to the public - to collapse. Apart from the sharks, the 400,000-gallon (1.5 million-litre) tank is home to turtles, redfish and stingrays.

One of the spectators, Dan Rooney, said he had searched frantically for his two-year old grandchild before seeing someone hand the toddler to another person on a stable part of the footbridge.

"I was just praying none of the sharks got agitated from all of the splashing and everything. I mean, they got sharks in there bigger than me," he said.

Aquarium managers have launched an inquiry
A bit more exciting than swimming with dolphins, I'd expect :D
Poor sharks - nurse and sand tigers arn't exactly man eaters.
It's a well known fact that the owner of the said aquarium is actually an evil genius who grew tired of their insolence and caused the debacle with the push of a button.

Did they annoy his white cat?
Can i do some fishy jokes? (i.e no codding in this plaice):(
I've haddock enough of this. If you try and craw any more fishy bones down my throat I'll gag. I'm not squiding! Another pun from you young scampi and I'll tide'ee this thread away to chat!

Niles "feeling a little crabby" Calder
For cod's sake, Niles, you do barbel on a bit...
You're skateing on thin ice Sprout, but let's not get in a roe over this.
"What's taking you so long?"

75 year old Coolidge Winesett got more than he bargained for when he paid a visit to his outhouse one morning. His 90 year old house didn't have indoor facilities, and Winesett had repeatedly turned down state assistance to have them installed. Unfortunately, the outhouse was in such a bad state of repair that one morning the rotten floor finally gave way as Winesett took a seat to curl one off, plunging him into a pit of his own doings.
Trapped, Winesett's cries for help went unheeded for three days until the local mailman raised the alarm.

Full story here.
As my dear old dad used to say to me
"always in the shit, only the depth varies...."
Man burns penis with laptop

Letter in the Lancet medical journal (free reg req.) reproduced below.

Sir--The following story should be taken as a serious warning against use of a laptop computer in a literal sense. The patient, a previously healthy 50-year-old scientist and the father of two children, had been writing a report one evening in his home. Sitting comfortable in an armchair, he had placed his laptop computer on his lap while writing for about 1 h. The next day he noticed irritation and oedema of his penile prepuce. Furthermore, the ventral part of his scrotal skin had turned red, and there was a blister with a diameter of about 2 cm. These findings were verified when I saw the patient 1 day later. There were no signs of phimosis or balanitis. The patient recalled that, while sitting 2 days earlier with his computer on his lap, he occasionally had felt heat and a burning feeling on his lap and proximal thigh, a sensation that was relieved at least temporarily when the computer was moved slightly.

After the first 2 days, the penile and scrotal blisters broke and developed into infected wounds that caused extensive suppuration. More than a week later, the wounds were covered by dry crusts and thereafter were healing quite rapidly. No antibiotic treatment was needed.

When retrospectively checking the manual of the computer, the following safety instructions were found: "Do not allow your portable computer to operate with the base resting directly on exposed skin. With extended operation, heat can potentially build up in the base. Allowing sustained contact with the skin could cause discomfort or, eventually, a burn." In the present case, however, the patient had lap burns although being dressed in trousers and underpants.


So beware when using you computer for extended periods. Check your firmware and make sure you regularly check for virus infection (etc etc...).
Re: Man burns penis with laptop

punychicken said:
...In the present case, however, the patient had lap burns although being dressed in trousers and underpants.

And do we have a witness to verify that the subject was indeed wearing pants? Or indeed to verify what it was he was 'working' on when the alleged incident is alleged to have occurred?

I always believe the worst of people... :D
& the laptop is supposedly a Dell Latitude (according to the manual text taken) and they do get hot (I have mine on my lap at the moment but not burnt yet)
but then they do it cos its dangerose down they?...... someone dieing from it only makes it more exiteing?.... How much more thrilling it would be to step onto a Roller coaster that killed say 0.1% of its riders?......
Sorry but the following is more fortean:

Police and safety officials yesterday began an investigation into the survival of a student who was flung 50 feet into the air from a human catapult and fell inches short of a safety net.
What a twat!
In tandem with Strange Deaths, this is for peculiar non-fatal incidents, particularly those which have somewhat unlikely explanations to them..:).

To kick off:
La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on he thing". The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there"
And another
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on he thing
Yeah right! ;)

I know enough operating theatre & A&E staff to know that this is NEVER how phones, or any other alien objects, get up there........:D

The dynamite one is believable though. I tried it with an apple core last year- made a mess of the BF's car window. Many moons of Michael were extracted.
I've got a nasty feeling this one's a UL but I still love it, and most are based in fact anyway so:

"Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in section 3 of the accident report form. I put 'Poor Planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping, until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs".
Re: Papa L's Barrel of Bricks story:

The story is a version of the ‘Barrel of Bricks’ monologue by the Musician, humourist and cartoonist, Gerard Hoffnung, who died in 1959 – my uncle had a record of the monologue.

It may have started out as a FOAF story, but it was Hoffnung who spread this version (it tends to turn up on BBC nostalgia/history of comedy programmes).

Brief link:
The Bricklayer Story was made famous by the musical humourist and cartoonist
Gerard Hoffnung who included it in his Oxford Union address of 1958.

It was recorded, fortunately and his delivery is a masterpiece of intonation
and timing with the audience anticipating each twist just sufficiently to make
its delayed arrival hilarious.

Like some of the Letters from Foreign Hoteliers - also in the speech - his material
may not have been completely original. The Bricklayer Story was cited as having
been printed in a builders' trade journal. :D

Simultaneous posting with Timble! :)
Picket Fence Injuries

I understand "accidents" involving miscellanea being inserted into certain orifices are known in the medical profession as Picket Fence Injuries. I've heard a few in my time, such as

1) A certain newsreader, married to an actress, being admitted to A & E with a lightbulb up his bottom.

2) A man inserting a hamster into his boyfriend's anus with the help of a funnel, the hamster going AWOL and a lighter being shone around as a Davy lamp, only for a pocket of methane gas to ignite and fire out hamster like a cannon, breaking man's nose.

3) The old "I was vacuuming in my dressing gown, the gown fell open, I dropped the vacuum hose and it settled on the end my penis" story, as told to cynical casualty doctors.

4) Particularly gross: A woman smearing dog food on her privates in order to encourage her pet to lick. Unfortunately the dog literally bites off more than he could chew and performs a "Flap-ectomy"

Does anyone want to hear my Magic Penis joke?
Years ago I just to work in a shop where we frequently had to open boxes when new stock arrived/was brought down from the stock room, so to ease things along several people used to carry scissors everywhere with them, including one woman who used to tuck hers into the waistband of her skirt, sharp end up, she bent down one day and stabbed herself in the stomach - not a FOAF I saw this happen ie I was standing right next to her. Fortunately she didn't do herself any serious damage, more or a bruise and a fright than anything ...
On another occassion elsewhere someone bent down to pick something up and smacked her eye on the arm of a chair, she had a right shiner the next day and it looked like she'd been punched, her husband wouldn't go out in public with her till it faded away lest he be arrested ...
escargot's inevitable 'my stoopid ex' story.....

The ex once punched himself in the eye when some string snapped as he was tying a fence panel in place. (Yes, tying. With string. A fence panel. :rolleyes: )

I told him to rest with some frozen peas over BOTH eyes as they would both blacken otherwise. He didn't believe me and just put the ice on the injured eye, and quite astonishingly, the OTHER eye went black. :D What a plonker.

More seriously, a local man went on a sponsored bike ride in aid of the hospital which had treated his handicapped daughter and was knocked off and killed right away. :(
Adam was a student chef at Exeter College. If it had been his first semester, one could forgive his mistake, but in fact he was a third-year student.

Adam's project was to cook an Italian meal. He decided to make a traditional bread to accompany the meal and, eager to use the department’s new bread mixer, he tossed in the ingredients -- not taking into account the sticky nature of Italian bread dough. It clogged the machine.

In Alan’s infinite wisdom, he proceeded to pull out the dough with his hands, to free the machine's mixing arm, without switching it off. As you and every other student chef could predict, once he had succeeded in clearing the path, the mixer arm swung into action -- and broke his arm in four places.

Nine weeks later Adam returned to college amid much ridicule. When asked how he had managed to break his arm whilst making bread, he felt obliged to demonstrate, so in plunged his hand -- and snap went his arm, again.

Adam left Exeter College never to return


There's a positive cornucopia of wonderful accidents to be found here, which is where I found the above tale.
Re: Re: Papa L's Barrel of Bricks story:

Timble said:
The story is a version of the ‘Barrel of Bricks’ monologue by the Musician, humourist and cartoonist, Gerard Hoffnung, who died in 1959 – my uncle had a record of the monologue.

A friend of mine used to perform a song based on this story.

The writer of the song has a page here:
which claims that it goes at least as far back as the 1920s.
Re: re: re: etc Barrel of Bricks

Good link Beany, I suspected GH wasn't the originator, but it's fascinating how far back it does go.