time to confess about our australian "drop bears"
According to legend, Drop Bears are dangerous creatures that hide in gum trees. You can tell if one of them is hiding in a tree by lying on your back beneath the tree and spitting upwards. If the Drop Bear is up there, it'll spit back.
Drop Bears - The Truth
For those of you who do not know the history of Drop Bears in Australia, I will tell it, so much as I know, as a warning to you and your family.
Origin
In the beginning, there were koalas. Cuddly, furry, slow-moving and sleepy, koalas eat gum leaves for 90% of their waking lives, but prefer to spend most of their time asleep. They live in trees, venturing down to the ground only when it is necessary to move from tree to tree. Koalas are no threat to humans, unless you are foolish enough to climb up a tree and attempt to catch one, under which circumstances the koala may give you a bit of a scratch with its ample claws.
You will be aware that Australia is home to many species that simply don't exist anywhere else in the world. Echidnas, wombats, koalas, kangaroos, wallabies, bandicoots and potoroos are unique to Australia, just to name a few. Another unique animal is the Drop Bear.
Description
The Drop Bear is described as an arboreal, (tree dwelling) carnivorous mammal of Australia, Phascolarctus Bityness, growing to around 4 feet in height. This description is not far wrong. Believed to have evolved from a similar line to koalas, Drop Bears vary from 3 to 5 feet in hight, but are extremely strong. They are covered in a dense fur, which can range from almost black to the Alpine Drop Bear's snowy white coat. They have broad shoulders and razor sharp claws on all four limbs. They are able to walk for short distances on two legs, but are much faster on all four, being capable of bursts of speed approaching 60 km/h at full gallop. Their heads are similar to those of koalas, but with enlarged canine teeth, not unlike those of bears or other carnivorous animals. There are no reported photographs of them, and only a select and very lucky few have laid eyes on them and lived to tell the tale.
As you can imagine, admitting their existence would cause some degree of panic, and destroy parts of Australia's ecotourism industry overnight. It is for this reason that all government departments will, and have denied any knowledge of the existence of the Drop Bear, and are likely to continue to do so in the future. Being an avid outdoor enthusiast, and having contact with people who spend a large proportion of their time outdoors, I have gathered together scraps of information from sources all around the country, linking Drop Bear involvement to such events as the disappearance of Azaria Chamberlain, the death of Captain James Cook in Hawaii, several war-time incidents in northern Australia, the disappearance of a group of cross-country skiers in the Victorian Alps, and the deaths of a number of hikers, canoeists, 4WDrivers, campers, sunbathers and swimmers throughout the country. These 'accidents' are often reported as crocodile attacks, falls from cliffs, exposure, and in the Chamberlain case, dingoes were blamed. I have it on good authority in all of these cases, however, that a government cover-up was at work to dispel rumours of Drop Bear attacks and hide the truth from the public.
Dangers associated with Drop Bears
Drop Bears are not cuddly and friendly, like their cousin the koala. They are vicious, calculating, cold-blooded killers. Their usual method of attack is to select animals which stray from their group, including humans, dropping down onto them from above. They then proceed to wrap themselves around the body of their prey, squeezing them to death, often crushing the rib cage and breaking the neck. Occasionally when hunting, and when threatened, the Bears will drop down in front of, and then challenge their prey, snarling and flashing their sharp claws and teeth, before ripping their prey to shreds with their powerful arms and legs. Of all the ways to die in the bush, this would have to be the most horrible. Arms and Legs are torn from the body, along with huge slabs of flesh, which are greedily consumed while the victim still lives. If seen, Drop Bears should NOT be approached, as they are easily frightened and likely to attack. Vehicles are known to have been attacked, and being in one is no defence. An adult Drop Bear is able to easily break windows and enter vehicles to extrude would-be meals.
Sub-species
The Common Drop Bear is found in wooded areas all over the Australian continent, including Tasmania, and is thought to in fact venture as far north as Papua New Guinea and Indonesia. It lives in trees, dropping down to feed on kangaroos, wombats, and anything else that walks beneath it.
The Burrowing Drop Bear is slightly smaller in stature than the common variety, though just as ferocious. It is known to inhabit the drier arid regions of the country, including the deserts of central Australia. It is also fairly common amongst wooded areas, and burrows have been found everywhere from beaches to desert plains. The burrows vary in size according to the individual animal, but the entry hole may be considerably smaller than the actual living space. Holes 30cm in diameter have been known to house Drop Bears 5 feet tall. The animal's extraordinary contorting ability means it is able to crawl through extremely small spaces in search of wombats and rabbits.
The Alpine Drop Bear grows a special winter coat of almost pure white for camouflage in snowy areas. They have been spotted at lower elevations when the food supply is short, but unlike Common and Burrowing varieties, are able to hibernate for sustained periods. They live in larger burrows than Burrowing Drop Bears, being less able to contort through small openings. During the summer months, they remain in their mountain environment, shedding their white coats and adopting darker furs for camouflage in the lightly treed and grassy plains of the high country.
The Aquatic Drop Bear, as its name suggests, feeds in and around bodies of water. Lakes, rivers, dams and the Australian coastal waters are home to this variety of Drop Bear. With webbed feet and an water-resistant coat similar to a seal, they are ideally suited to marine life, though still retain the unmistakable Drop Bear physique of four legs, broad shoulders and sharp claws and teeth. Aquatic Drop Bears have attacked canoeists, rafters, fisherman on the bank and in boats, sunbathers and swimmers. Cases such as these are often falsely reported by the media as crocodile or shark attacks, in an effort to avoid the mass hysteria which would almost definitely result from an admission that we have a Drop Bear problem.
there is still another sub species that can be found in the far reaches of the old artillery range at Holsworthy. This species has mutated and have no hair on their arses. This is a mixed blessing as the droppies get cranky in winter because their arses get cold but as they drop from the trees the wind whistles through their bare arse cheeks and gives out a low whistling sound.
The areas inhabited by these bastard things is clearly signposted and any soldiers exercising there wear steel helmets rather than floppy bush hats. The moment the first whistle is heard, bayonets are withdrawn from scabbards and held in an upright position on the helmet. With a bit of luck the droppie is impaled before any damage is inflicted.
believe it or not...............................
According to legend, Drop Bears are dangerous creatures that hide in gum trees. You can tell if one of them is hiding in a tree by lying on your back beneath the tree and spitting upwards. If the Drop Bear is up there, it'll spit back.
Drop Bears - The Truth
For those of you who do not know the history of Drop Bears in Australia, I will tell it, so much as I know, as a warning to you and your family.
Origin
In the beginning, there were koalas. Cuddly, furry, slow-moving and sleepy, koalas eat gum leaves for 90% of their waking lives, but prefer to spend most of their time asleep. They live in trees, venturing down to the ground only when it is necessary to move from tree to tree. Koalas are no threat to humans, unless you are foolish enough to climb up a tree and attempt to catch one, under which circumstances the koala may give you a bit of a scratch with its ample claws.
You will be aware that Australia is home to many species that simply don't exist anywhere else in the world. Echidnas, wombats, koalas, kangaroos, wallabies, bandicoots and potoroos are unique to Australia, just to name a few. Another unique animal is the Drop Bear.
Description
The Drop Bear is described as an arboreal, (tree dwelling) carnivorous mammal of Australia, Phascolarctus Bityness, growing to around 4 feet in height. This description is not far wrong. Believed to have evolved from a similar line to koalas, Drop Bears vary from 3 to 5 feet in hight, but are extremely strong. They are covered in a dense fur, which can range from almost black to the Alpine Drop Bear's snowy white coat. They have broad shoulders and razor sharp claws on all four limbs. They are able to walk for short distances on two legs, but are much faster on all four, being capable of bursts of speed approaching 60 km/h at full gallop. Their heads are similar to those of koalas, but with enlarged canine teeth, not unlike those of bears or other carnivorous animals. There are no reported photographs of them, and only a select and very lucky few have laid eyes on them and lived to tell the tale.
As you can imagine, admitting their existence would cause some degree of panic, and destroy parts of Australia's ecotourism industry overnight. It is for this reason that all government departments will, and have denied any knowledge of the existence of the Drop Bear, and are likely to continue to do so in the future. Being an avid outdoor enthusiast, and having contact with people who spend a large proportion of their time outdoors, I have gathered together scraps of information from sources all around the country, linking Drop Bear involvement to such events as the disappearance of Azaria Chamberlain, the death of Captain James Cook in Hawaii, several war-time incidents in northern Australia, the disappearance of a group of cross-country skiers in the Victorian Alps, and the deaths of a number of hikers, canoeists, 4WDrivers, campers, sunbathers and swimmers throughout the country. These 'accidents' are often reported as crocodile attacks, falls from cliffs, exposure, and in the Chamberlain case, dingoes were blamed. I have it on good authority in all of these cases, however, that a government cover-up was at work to dispel rumours of Drop Bear attacks and hide the truth from the public.
Dangers associated with Drop Bears
Drop Bears are not cuddly and friendly, like their cousin the koala. They are vicious, calculating, cold-blooded killers. Their usual method of attack is to select animals which stray from their group, including humans, dropping down onto them from above. They then proceed to wrap themselves around the body of their prey, squeezing them to death, often crushing the rib cage and breaking the neck. Occasionally when hunting, and when threatened, the Bears will drop down in front of, and then challenge their prey, snarling and flashing their sharp claws and teeth, before ripping their prey to shreds with their powerful arms and legs. Of all the ways to die in the bush, this would have to be the most horrible. Arms and Legs are torn from the body, along with huge slabs of flesh, which are greedily consumed while the victim still lives. If seen, Drop Bears should NOT be approached, as they are easily frightened and likely to attack. Vehicles are known to have been attacked, and being in one is no defence. An adult Drop Bear is able to easily break windows and enter vehicles to extrude would-be meals.
Sub-species
The Common Drop Bear is found in wooded areas all over the Australian continent, including Tasmania, and is thought to in fact venture as far north as Papua New Guinea and Indonesia. It lives in trees, dropping down to feed on kangaroos, wombats, and anything else that walks beneath it.
The Burrowing Drop Bear is slightly smaller in stature than the common variety, though just as ferocious. It is known to inhabit the drier arid regions of the country, including the deserts of central Australia. It is also fairly common amongst wooded areas, and burrows have been found everywhere from beaches to desert plains. The burrows vary in size according to the individual animal, but the entry hole may be considerably smaller than the actual living space. Holes 30cm in diameter have been known to house Drop Bears 5 feet tall. The animal's extraordinary contorting ability means it is able to crawl through extremely small spaces in search of wombats and rabbits.
The Alpine Drop Bear grows a special winter coat of almost pure white for camouflage in snowy areas. They have been spotted at lower elevations when the food supply is short, but unlike Common and Burrowing varieties, are able to hibernate for sustained periods. They live in larger burrows than Burrowing Drop Bears, being less able to contort through small openings. During the summer months, they remain in their mountain environment, shedding their white coats and adopting darker furs for camouflage in the lightly treed and grassy plains of the high country.
The Aquatic Drop Bear, as its name suggests, feeds in and around bodies of water. Lakes, rivers, dams and the Australian coastal waters are home to this variety of Drop Bear. With webbed feet and an water-resistant coat similar to a seal, they are ideally suited to marine life, though still retain the unmistakable Drop Bear physique of four legs, broad shoulders and sharp claws and teeth. Aquatic Drop Bears have attacked canoeists, rafters, fisherman on the bank and in boats, sunbathers and swimmers. Cases such as these are often falsely reported by the media as crocodile or shark attacks, in an effort to avoid the mass hysteria which would almost definitely result from an admission that we have a Drop Bear problem.
there is still another sub species that can be found in the far reaches of the old artillery range at Holsworthy. This species has mutated and have no hair on their arses. This is a mixed blessing as the droppies get cranky in winter because their arses get cold but as they drop from the trees the wind whistles through their bare arse cheeks and gives out a low whistling sound.
The areas inhabited by these bastard things is clearly signposted and any soldiers exercising there wear steel helmets rather than floppy bush hats. The moment the first whistle is heard, bayonets are withdrawn from scabbards and held in an upright position on the helmet. With a bit of luck the droppie is impaled before any damage is inflicted.
believe it or not...............................
