You need this expensive meter to let you know that turning on extra devices in your home uses extra electricity
British Gas (
'n electric) ran a massive advertising campaign from 2017 invoking the mystic influence of a certain Wilbur the Penguin: one of his latter key mantras was the value & virtue of fitting a smart meter.
Right Now. Or ideally yesterday.
This was pushed
very hard (ultramultichannel) all across the Untied Kondom, but: one day Wilbur got pulled, suddenly and universally, from our screens (in fact, not long prior to 'Covid: the Musical'). As did the overt incessant demand that we all should (indeed
must) install Smart Meters or we would all be collectively-guilty of eco-genocide on a greater than global scale. Here's possibly why he slid from his position of power: and it's far from cool
I was always impervious to his chilly chides, but unfortunately certain other powerful factions within my pseudo-rural domestic utopia were not: and I was outvoted (and put on report for possibly being unsufficiently-green: which is a charge I may have to ultimately & happily answer to).
The fateful day arrived, when Smartness (not for the first time) was meant to be
inflicted installed within our
schloss.
Being a pathologically-technical person, I was quite-keen to observe 'the doings' from a respectful-but-informative distance, and had intended to watch Wilbur's stunt double install our Meter Of Smarts (but I was shooed-away so as to not impair the feng shui during the birthing process).
However, my (no, our) smartification had hit an early snag: I heard a loud technical swear-word being exhaled from our understair lair, wherein we hide our
futilities-
(Wilbur's WorkMate)- "Oh no no, this won't do....it's hopeless!"
(The Ermintruder)- "Umm, what? How do you mean? I'm a techniscientificengineer-type person, give it to me straight!"
(Wilbur's WorkMate)- "I'm having to condemn your entire installation: it's unsafe and unacceptable- here, have this pink slip detailing the defects...I will out of random kindness leave the power on just now, but I really should cut the lead (Pb) tags on your incoming power, remove the company fuses, and leave you & the rest of your proletarian collective in total cold & darkness".
He then proceeded to do something I have never seen before (and I've seen most things) which was to screw an enormous flexible thick plastic opaque rectangle of shame over our entire fuseboard and existing unsmart meter, overprinted with various yellow warnings, doom sigels and hieroglyphs.
I was advised that our house was Unsafe, About To Kill The Inhabitants And/Or Burn Down, and we needed to have a brand-new fuseboard fitted (in North America and other superficially-advanced jurisdictions this may be referred to as a circuit-breaker power distribution box). Specifically, we needed to have one fitted with lots of RCDs (don't ask: these are required so as to protect humans by constantly tripping-off in the absence of faults, and to make electricians rich).
Let's now fast-forward £700+ and a couple of months into a still 'BC' era, so maybe Autumn/Fall 2019. Much Smartness was now re-ordained, and the long-awaited hour had arrived:
(Wilbur's Second WorkMate)- "Oh no no, this won't do....it's hopeless!"
(The Ermintruder)- "Umm, what? How do you mean? I'm a techniscientificengineer-type person, give it to me straight!"
(Wilbur's Second WorkMate)- "I'm having to delay this smartmeter installation because of your postcode"
(The Ermintruder)- "OK, that's something I can't afford to change: what happens now?"
(Wilbur's Second WorkMate)- "I'll be back: with a new generation of smart meter that can cope with you not using the primary energy provider for this area- otherwise the meter I was going to fit won't work, although it will still work, except it won't. You do know how silly you are not using the primary energy provider, don't you?"
(The Ermintruder)- "Right you are, goodbye!"
Let's now move the clock even-closer to the advent of the Covid circus (early 2020):
(Wilbur's Third WorkMate)- "Oh no no, this won't do....it's hopeless!"
(The Ermintruder)- "Really? You do surprise me! Pray tell!"
(Wilbur's Third WorkMate)- "Something's not right"
(The Ermintruder)- "Can you be more specific?"
(Wilbur's Third WorkMate)- "No, but I will be back without fail, tomorrow"
Time passed...
(Wilbur's Fourth WorkMate)- ""Oh no no, this won't do....it's hopeless! And have you, or any member of your familial group got, or ever had, Covid"
(The Ermintruder)- "Yes of course! Or possibly not"
(Wilbur's Fourth WorkMate)- "Your smart meter just seems as if it won't synchronise with the complex systems we have. It's very technical problem and you wouldn't understand the explanation"
(The Ermintruder)- "Let me guess...the stone walls are too thick, and the resulting attenuation of the Zigbee UHF wireless telemetry network means that the smart meter is completely-useless, just like I said it probably would be to your contact centre colleague in a vain attempt to forestall this costly, generally frustrating and pointless farce"
(Wilbur's Fourth WorkMate)- "Yes. Can you please complete my feedback satisfaction form and pop it in the letterbox?"
I reassured Wilbur's Fourth WorkMate that there was no likelihood of me ever doing this before the end of time, and ejected him down our coal chute.
And that, Dear Reader, is where I am today.
With a still-unnetworked not-very-smart meter. Blamed upon a whole range of pathetic baseless reasons, including Covid (of course), weather conditions (I think that's
so sweet of them) and Insert Further Vague Reason Here.
Perhaps in the company of many thousands of other dissatisfied customers, who receive constant emails, text messages & phonecalls from their energy provider, requesting
them to send-in a meter reading. Unless they live in proper cheek-to-cheek urban clapperboard houses, saturated with all those smart signals and suchlike.
So it's probably no wonder that Wilbur got fired: at least that was a smart move.