Toilet Talk

OneWingedBird

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Moved to the shit thread as too shit for this one.
 
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ramonmercado

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Another horrifying scenario, bound to cause constipation.

A snake was left feeling a little off colour after making itself at home in a toilet cistern.

The 4ft (1.2m) rat snake was found in the bathroom of a house undergoing renovation in Basildon, Essex. The non-venomous reptile had "dyed itself a slight tinge of blue from the cleaning products", the RSPCA said. The charity believes the snake, which the homeowners have called Kevin, is someone's missing pet and hope to reunite it. 'Kevin' made his presence known by knocking over and smashing a lit candle in the couple's home.

"My partner... saw the snake which hissed at him, then backed away into the toilet," Naomi Burdett said.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-essex-47317941
 

ramonmercado

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It's a crap job...

Firefighters have rescued more than 650 people from locked toilets since 2016.

London Fire Brigade urged members of the public to "use common sense" before dialling 999 after receiving 659 calls from people locked in loos. It said firefighters also had to rescue a child with their head wedged in a potty, a woman stuck up a tree and a pigeon trapped inside a chimney.

As well as the "unusual" calls, the brigade had more than 30,000 malicious hoax calls in the last five years.

Deputy Commissioner Tom George said: "No matter how strange a call may seem, we will always attend if there is a genuine emergency but you should always think carefully about how to use our resources".

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-47746517
 

ramonmercado

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A piscine toilet.

Turtle-y amazing: Japanese cafe spends over £200,000 installing a toilet that's surrounded by a huge fish tank
  • The bathroom is at the Hipopo Papa Cafe on the Hayashizaki Matsue Coast
  • Staff find some customers spend more time in the toilet than ordering items
  • Some visitors have remarked that the experience is far too uncomfortable
PUBLISHED: 11:12, 16 April 2019 | UPDATED: 11:12, 16 April 2019

A Japanese cafe has become flush with success - thanks to its bizarre toilet inside a huge aquarium. When nature calls for visitors to the Hipopo Papa Cafe, in Akashi on the Hayashizaki Matsue Coast, they can relieve themselves on a loo that's surrounded on three sides by exotic fish - and a male turtle. The owner of the cafe reportedly spent over £200,000 installing the unusual facility.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/...-fish-tank.html?ito=social-twitter_mailonline
 

escargot

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From Twitter:

Maisie, age 12: You know why TS Eliot didn’t go by T Eliot?
Me: No, why?
Maisie: Because T Eliot is toilet backwards.

The poets Wystan Auden and TS Eliot didn't get on. Auden noted that TS Eliot is an anagram of 'toilets'. Eliot responded with an anagram of Wystan Auden; A Nasty Unwed, masterfully hinting at both Auden's disposition and his sexuality.
 

uair01

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The literary phenomenon Karl Ove Knausgaard talking shit in "Boyhood island", part 3 of his 6-part opus "My struggle":
(also testing the "tesseract" OCR software)

Sometimes I would hold it in for days so that I could have a
really big one and also because it felt good in itself When I
really did have to shit, so much that I could barely stand upright
but had to bend forward, I had such a fantastic feeling in my
body if I didn’t let nature take its course, if I squeezed the
muscles in my arse together as hard as I could and, as it were,
forced the shit back to where it came from. But this was a
dangerous game, because if you did it too many times the turd
ultimately grew so big it was impossible to shit it out. Oh Christ,
how it hurt when such an enormous turd had to come out! It
was truly unbearable, I was convulsed with pain, it was as if my
body were exploding with pain, AAAAAAGGGHHH!!I screamed,
OOOOOHHH, and then, just as it was at its very worst, suddenly
it was out.
Oh, how good that was!
What a wonderful feeling it was!
The pain was over.
The shit was in the pan.
Everything was peace and light throughout my body. Indeed,
almost so peaceful that I didn’t feel like getting up and wiping
my bum. I just wanted to sit there.
But was it worth it?
I could spend the whole day dreading one of those big shits.
I didn’t want to go to the toilet because it hurt so much, but if
I didn’t it would only hurt more and more.
So in the end there was no option but to go. Knowing full
well that this would hurt like hell!
Once I was so terrified I tried to find another way to get the
shit out. I half stood, and then I stuck my finger up my arse as
far as it would go. There! There was the shit. As hard as a rock!
When I had located it I wriggled my finger to and fro in an attemp
to widen the passage. At the same time I pressed a little, and ij
that way, bit by bit, I managed to manoeuvre the shit to the side,
Oh, it still hurt to work the last bit free, but not so much,
What a method that was!
I didn’t mind so much that my finger was all brown; it was
easy enough to wash it off. The smell was another matter
however, because although I scrubbed and scoured, a faint odour
of shit hung around my finger all day and all night, even the
next morning I could still smell it when I woke.
All these pros and cons had to be weighed up against one
another.
 

Tempest63

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The literary phenomenon Karl Ove Knausgaard talking shit in "Boyhood island", part 3 of his 6-part opus "My struggle":
(also testing the "tesseract" OCR software)

Sometimes I would hold it in for days so that I could have a
really big one and also because it felt good in itself When I
really did have to shit, so much that I could barely stand upright
but had to bend forward, I had such a fantastic feeling in my
body if I didn’t let nature take its course, if I squeezed the
muscles in my arse together as hard as I could and, as it were,
forced the shit back to where it came from. But this was a
dangerous game, because if you did it too many times the turd
ultimately grew so big it was impossible to shit it out. Oh Christ,
how it hurt when such an enormous turd had to come out! It
was truly unbearable, I was convulsed with pain, it was as if my
body were exploding with pain, AAAAAAGGGHHH!!I screamed,
OOOOOHHH, and then, just as it was at its very worst, suddenly
it was out.
Oh, how good that was!
What a wonderful feeling it was!
The pain was over.
The shit was in the pan.
Everything was peace and light throughout my body. Indeed,
almost so peaceful that I didn’t feel like getting up and wiping
my bum. I just wanted to sit there.
But was it worth it?
I could spend the whole day dreading one of those big shits.
I didn’t want to go to the toilet because it hurt so much, but if
I didn’t it would only hurt more and more.
So in the end there was no option but to go. Knowing full
well that this would hurt like hell!
Once I was so terrified I tried to find another way to get the
shit out. I half stood, and then I stuck my finger up my arse as
far as it would go. There! There was the shit. As hard as a rock!
When I had located it I wriggled my finger to and fro in an attemp
to widen the passage. At the same time I pressed a little, and ij
that way, bit by bit, I managed to manoeuvre the shit to the side,
Oh, it still hurt to work the last bit free, but not so much,
What a method that was!
I didn’t mind so much that my finger was all brown; it was
easy enough to wash it off. The smell was another matter
however, because although I scrubbed and scoured, a faint odour
of shit hung around my finger all day and all night, even the
next morning I could still smell it when I woke.
All these pros and cons had to be weighed up against one
another.
I was told many years ago by a wise old man that there is nothing so overrated as a bad bunk-up and nothing so underrated as a good dump.
 

gordonrutter

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I was told many years ago by a wise old man that there is nothing so overrated as a bad bunk-up and nothing so underrated as a good dump.
Which is the odd one out?
A carpet
An egg
A good dump?

It’s a good dump, you can beat a carpet and an egg but you can’t beat a good dump.
 

Mythopoeika

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This bloody diet has left me constipated.
FFS!
 

Mythopoeika

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Thanks, but I don't have that in the house.
I may have to visit the doctor in the morning to get something heavy duty.
 

Mythopoeika

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The doctor has given me some stuff called Strigol.
It's basically a wood preservative that can also be used as a laxative.
 

GNC

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Mmm... the great taste of creosote.
 

Mythopoeika

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Mythopoeika

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:rofl2:
 
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