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The World's Dumbest Criminals

maximus otter said:
Very shortly after l retired, l walked into town one Saturday morning. A window had been punched in by some macho drunk who had, evidently, cut himself badly in the process. I followed the blood trail right to the front door of a local residence.

l then strutted into my former nick, reported the facts to my old mate the Station Clerk, and strode out with a Parthian shot of “Somebody should do something!”

maximus otter
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That reminds me of some guy my Dad knew many years ago. This fellow had made a load of money somehow and became an antique dealer.
He had a variety of dodgy 'associates' who we never met, but heard about from another family friend.
This fellow returned back to his house after being away for a weekend, only to find that a window had been smashed in the house and there was stuff missing. The house had been turned over. There was a trail of blood leading from the broken window.
Police got info from the local hospital about a man with cuts, arrested him. Turned out to be one of the dodgy 'associates' - who already had 'previous' as a petty criminal.
 
Don't start a fire when you're already sitting in the frying pan ... :roll:
‘This is war’: Colorado man charged with threatening Utah judge

A man who prosecutors say refused to show up to court on drug and weapons charges now faces additional charges for allegedly threatening the judge in the case and police.

In January, Regis Allen Simmons, 31, of Green Mountain Falls, Colorado, was charged in 4th District Court with two counts of possession of a firearm by a restricted person, two counts of drug possession and possession of drug paraphernalia. ...

Simmons was arrested, posted bail and was ordered to appear in court on Feb. 12. But when Simmons failed to appear, a warrant was issued for his arrest and another hearing scheduled for Wednesday.

On Tuesday, Simmons’ attorney received a voicemail message from his client stating he would not be appearing in court, and then went on to say “it would be best” if the judge didn't issue a warrant for his arrest “for his health and safety” ...

Simmons went on to say in the voicemail that everything would be all right if the charges were dropped, and that the judge had “already thrown (him) in the cage once” but “it won’t happen again” ...

The voicemail then got increasingly aggressive when Simmons used expletive terms to describe the judge while stating, “if they want to wage war with me I’m ready for war” ...

“They come after me, threaten me, take my money ... that’s punishable by death,” Simmons said with the last part emphasized ... “This is war.”

The message ended with Simmons saying everyone involved with his arrest and prosecution “was going to be all over the news” ...

The voicemail was turned over to law enforcement and on Friday Simmons was charged in a new case with making a terroristic threat, a second-degree felony, and making a threat against a judge, a third-degree felony. An additional warrant was issued for his arrest.
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FULL STORY: https://www.ksl.com/article/46723882/this-is-war-colorado-man-charged-with-threatening-utah-judge
 
Guess his attorney wasn't too worried about his client's defence and innocent until proven guilty. Maybe he was worried about what would happen to him if his client lost. Better that his client threatened the judge first.
 
In that situation, the attorney would have been required to report the threats. Man, what a moron.

That part of the state, northwest of Colorado Springs, has more than its share of boneheads. I doubt if this one will be "at large" for long.
 
A Florida police department wants you to know that if you have recently purchased any illegal street drugs, you can bring it to their station to get it tested for coronavirus:

88180686_3181138171931182_4464288749487915008_n.jpg


"Public Service Announcement: WARNING: if you have recently purchased cocaine, meth, heroin, or any other street drugs locally, it may be contaminated with the Corona Virus. Please bring the drugs to the police department and we will test them for free. If you're not comfortable coming to the police department, we will send an officer to your house and they'll test your illegal drugs in the privacy of your home! Please spread the word!"

The Atlantic Beach Police Department posted the PSA on their Facebook page last week.

https://www.wfla.com/news/is-your-m...is-florida-police-dept-will-test-it-for-free/

maximus otter
 
maximus otter said:
A Florida police department wants you to know that if you have recently purchased any illegal street drugs, you can bring it to their station to get it tested for coronavirus:

88180686_3181138171931182_4464288749487915008_n.jpg


"Public Service Announcement: WARNING: if you have recently purchased cocaine, meth, heroin, or any other street drugs locally, it may be contaminated with the Corona Virus. Please bring the drugs to the police department and we will test them for free. If you're not comfortable coming to the police department, we will send an officer to your house and they'll test your illegal drugs in the privacy of your home! Please spread the word!"

The Atlantic Beach Police Department posted the PSA on their Facebook page last week.

https://www.wfla.com/news/is-your-m...is-florida-police-dept-will-test-it-for-free/

maximus otter
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It's a strategy. There may be somebody dumb enough to fall for that.
 
Mythopoeika said:
It's a strategy. There may be somebody dumb enough to fall for that.
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A better approach would be to have written..

A recent batch of heroin distributed by (Dealer of choice) has been found to be heavily contaminated with the Corona virus. Three people who used (DoC)s stuff have already died. We would invite anyone using stuff from (DoC) to bring it immediately to police headquarter for testing. You may be asked to self isolate for two week.
 
Mythopoeika said:
...Or longer, in a nice cell we have prepared.
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Just for observation, you understand.

What's that, your starting to feel a bit edgy ? we have a needle full of something that will help. But first we need a few names.
 
hunck said:
Thread diversion but this always strikes me as an ugly & clunky word & contains an unnecessary syllable. What's wrong with just burgle?

Are there any other similar examples in US speak? I'm strugglerizing to think of any.
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Transportation. The 'ation' is superfluous in my opinionation.

Edited to add: Terrorist-ic in @EnolaGaia's new story above.
 
Tip: Don't pay bail for a drug charge using cash that reeks of drugs ...
Police jail woman who paid bail with marijuana-scented cash

A Louisiana woman was arrested on drug charges after police determined the $5,000 cash she used to post an inmate’s bail had a “strong odor of marijuana.”

Authorities began investigating Stormy Lynn Parfait, 33, on Friday, shortly after she showed up at the Ashland jail to pay the bond fee for an inmate being held there on drug charges ...

After catching a whiff of the cash, a detective searched her car while she was still at the jail and found nearly $40,000 more inside, along with about 100 Klonopin pills and a food stamp card that wasn’t registered to Parfait ...

Investigators found hundreds of additional pills and cash as well as marijuana, cocaine and paraphernalia, during a search of Parfait’s home later ... Four unattended children there were turned over to a relative.

Parfait was charged with multiple counts of possession with intent to distribute drugs, four counts of illegal use of a controlled drug in the presence of persons under 17, taking contraband to or into a correctional institution and other related charges, authorities said. ...
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SOURCE: https://apnews.com/c63d63e0280b74c541632cd0404eee15
 
It's called "learning", LeRoy - look it up ... :roll:

Otherwise ... Kudos to the toll booth attendant! :twothumbs:
Florida man jailed twice in 2 days for impersonating cop

A Florida man is back in jail for impersonating a law enforcement officer just days after he was arrested for the exact same charge, sheriff’s officials said.

LeRoy Stotelmyer, 60, was arrested March 11 after investigators got a tip from a toll bridge attendant who showed them video of the man flashing a law enforcement badge twice on March 11 to avoid paying a $2 toll, the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office said in a Facebook post. ...

On-duty officers are allowed to cross free of charge, officials said.

A toll booth attendant told investigators that Stotelmyer flashed the silver badge at him, and he in turn showed the man an article about his arrest for impersonating an officer. He said Stotelmyer then put away the badge and paid the toll.

Sheriff Rick Staly said Stotelmyer was arrested March 9 on charges of impersonating an officer and shoplifting. On March 11 he was charged with felony violation of pre-trial release and impersonating an officer. He was being held without bond. ...

“This guy clearly has not learned his lesson and has no respect for the law,” Sheriff Rick Staly said. “Two days after his release and he is already up to his old tricks. We know already that he thinks he can get out of shoplifting and paying tolls with his fake badge.” ...
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SOURCE: https://apnews.com/a2f7a74fe65ccecb82094179956b0b70
 
AnonyJoolz said:
Transportation. The 'ation' is superfluous in my opinionation.
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Most often (unless I'm mistaken, which is entirely possible, especially considering the time of night and the number of typos I've had to correct while writing this), transport is used as a verb here in the US, and so transportation is the noun.

You could verify this with a Cambridge dictionary, but why bother when you have experts in expertation and gargling gurglerizers here?
After all, we are the sage ones who vaporized the superfluous "u" out of color.
 
IbisNibs said:
Most often (unless I'm mistaken, which is entirely possible, especially considering the time of night and the number of typos I've had to correct while writing this), transport is used as a verb here in the US, and so transportation is the noun.

You could verify this with a Cambridge dictionary, but why bother when you have experts in expertation and gargling gurglerizers here?
After all, we are the sage ones who vaporized the superfluous "u" out of color.
Click to expand...
And humour and colour... :D
 
IbisNibs said:
Most often (unless I'm mistaken, which is entirely possible, especially considering the time of night and the number of typos I've had to correct while writing this), transport is used as a verb here in the US, and so transportation is the noun.

You could verify this with a Cambridge dictionary, but why bother when you have experts in expertation and gargling gurglerizers here?
After all, we are the sage ones who vaporized the superfluous "u" out of color.
Click to expand...

Vaporised.
 
IbisNibs said:
Most often (unless I'm mistaken, which is entirely possible, especially considering the time of night and the number of typos I've had to correct while writing this), transport is used as a verb here in the US, and so transportation is the noun.

You could verify this with a Cambridge dictionary, but why bother when you have experts in expertation and gargling gurglerizers here?
After all, we are the sage ones who vaporized the superfluous "u" out of color.
Click to expand...

Here the noun is the same as the verb- You transport something on a kind of transport. You may have transported a box on public transport :)
 
This teenager doesn't seem to have understood that successful bank robbery involves more than simply passing a threatening note and enjoying a beverage waiting for the bank's staff to bring him the money ...
19-year-old Riverside attempted bank robbery suspect paused for ‘adult beverage’

A 19-year-old Riverside man who paused in the lobby of the bank police said he was trying to rob to enjoy what officers called “an adult beverage” was arrested after bank employees contacted authorities.

“A big shout out to the bank employees for remaining calm the entire time and relaying the suspect’s description and location inside to our dispatchers,” Riverside police said in a statement.

Sonny Gutierrez Jr., 19, of Riverside was arrested on suspicion of attempted robbery, and has since posted bail, police said.

Police said Gutierrez passed a note to a teller at a Bank of America in the 1600 block of University Avenue on Friday afternoon demanding money and claiming he had a firearm, but no gun was seen.

“He actually waited patiently in the lobby while consuming an adult beverage …which gave the employees time to call 9-1-1 and our officers to quickly arrive. The officers made a plan to enter the bank and safely took the suspect into custody,” police said.
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SOURCE: https://www.pe.com/2020/04/12/19-ye...nk-robbery-suspect-paused-for-adult-beverage/
 
That could almost go in the "Oh, the Irony!" thread . . .
 
After cops found a pair of firearms and a Kevlar vest in his SUV, a Florida Man disavowed ownership of the weapons,
getrogelin20.jpg

claiming he had sold the vehicle “to his cousin John Wick,” an arrest affidavit states.

Responding early yesterday to a 911 call about a domestic violence incident, cops questioned Getro Gelin, 27, at his residence in Port St. Lucie. A woman told police that Gelin shoved her to the ground and threatened her with a firearm.

After the victim said that Gelin may have hidden the gun in his Porsche SUV, cops searched the vehicle and recovered a Glock 21 pistol, a semi-automatic rifle, and a bulletproof vest.

When asked about the guns in the auto, Gelin “replied he had sold the Porsche to his cousin John Wick.”

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/assault/john-wick-case-234069

maximus otter
 
maximus otter said:
After cops found a pair of firearms and a Kevlar vest in his SUV, a Florida Man disavowed ownership of the weapons,
getrogelin20.jpg

claiming he had sold the vehicle “to his cousin John Wick,” an arrest affidavit states.

Responding early yesterday to a 911 call about a domestic violence incident, cops questioned Getro Gelin, 27, at his residence in Port St. Lucie. A woman told police that Gelin shoved her to the ground and threatened her with a firearm.

After the victim said that Gelin may have hidden the gun in his Porsche SUV, cops searched the vehicle and recovered a Glock 21 pistol, a semi-automatic rifle, and a bulletproof vest.

When asked about the guns in the auto, Gelin “replied he had sold the Porsche to his cousin John Wick.”

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/assault/john-wick-case-234069

maximus otter
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His cousin 'John Wick'. Whose dog recently died, right?
 
An Ohio woman called 911 late Saturday evening to report that her “pussy was on fire” and that she needed someone from the fire department to “put it out with their hose,” according to an arrest report.

firepussy20.jpg


Morgan “appeared highly intoxicated” when cops arrived at her friend's home in Port Clinton, a city on Lake Erie. Morgan smelled of booze and was “having trouble walking, was slurring her speech,” police noted.

No pussies of any type were found ablaze inside the residence.

After struggling with officers, Morgan was handcuffed and placed in the rear of a police cruiser. She was booked into the Ottawa County jail on multiple counts, including disrupting public service, a felony, and making false alarms and resisting arrest, both misdemeanors.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/buster/misuse-911/ohioan-claimed-her-pussy-was-ablaze-701438
maximus otter
 
'I was almost out of wind running but luckily the offender still had some'
Suspect hiding from Nottinghamshire Police caught after officers heard him trump
'I was almost out of wind running but luckily the offender still had some'



By
Andrew Topping
  • 17:21, 7 MAY 2020
NEWS


Officers have come up trumps after a man broke wind and revealed his hiding place during a police chase in Nottinghamshire.
Nottinghamshire Police attended an address in Brookside Walk in Harworth on May 7 in connection with a warrant.
Officers pursued a man into some woods in the dark when they heard a noise, believed to be the sound of someone breaking wind, from a nearby bush.
Click to expand...

https://www.nottinghampost.com/news...B4mO-mWddApJiyHOsZGaFqak5VQ9jSXa9G6_gNMTBqwE0
 
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