The World's Dumbest Criminals

hunck

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Surely the thing about pooing is that it's an automatic bodily function. When you gotta go you gotta go.

I could no more choose to go 47 days let alone a year without a crap any more than I could go 5 minutes without breathing. It must point to a problem which is stopping you.

I like this quote from Enola's link

He was said to become weak after delivering 36 litres of faeces on June 21, 1901, but there was much rejoicing in the family."
36 Litres?!! That's nearly 8 gallons - definitely cause for much rejoicing.
 

EnolaGaia

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I liked that quoted bit, too ... He was lucky to come through it merely weakened, rather than (e.g.) turned inside-out and totally deflated ... :evillaugh:

I ran across mention of a 22-year-old Chinese man who had a lifelong constipation problem alleviated only after passing or removing an even larger amount of accumulated residue.

However, my understanding was that this case involved (shall we say ... ) a persistent bottleneck rather than a complete blockage situation (i.e., some portion had been getting through and out all along).

As a result, the 1901 / 1902 case seems to remain the record for total blockage.
 

Mythopoeika

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Surely the thing about pooing is that it's an automatic bodily function. When you gotta go you gotta go.

I could no more choose to go 47 days let alone a year without a crap any more than I could go 5 minutes without breathing. It must point to a problem which is stopping you.
Diabetes mellitus. Neuropathy caused the muscles in his colon to stop working.
 

EnolaGaia

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Job Search Tip: If there's an outstanding criminal charge against you, eliminate any law enforcement related jobs from your search ...

Jail job applicant not hired, arrested instead in theft case
A woman applying for a job at a New Hampshire county jail has been arrested because it turns out she was wanted on a charge in Maine.

Police say Kristina Hoefs, of Manchester, applied for the job on Friday at the Hillsborough County Department of Corrections. But workers soon realized she was being sought on a theft-related offense in Maine.

Hoefs was taken into custody and taken to police headquarters. She was scheduled for arraignment Monday. ...
SOURCE: https://apnews.com/2e0c0cc935804d88...ant-not-hired,-arrested-instead-in-theft-case
 

EnolaGaia

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Dashboard cams provide a record of the accident you just had. It had never occurred to me that they might also provide a record of what crime(s) you'd committed prior to that accident. :doh: :roll:

Florida man’s own dashboard camera lands him in jail
A Florida man ended up in jail after his dashboard camera showed police more than he intended.

The Palm Beach Post reports that after 25-year-old Xavier Moran was involved in a crash on April 5, he told a sheriff’s deputy he had been cut off by another driver and could prove it with his dashboard camera. He then signed a consent waiver to search the camera.

When the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s deputy reviewed the footage, he saw Moran burglarizing a beauty store. Authorities say the video showed Moran taking a baseball bat from the trunk and someone using the bat to break the glass door to the store. ...
SOURCE: https://apnews.com/be3526facc4e4ac2...-man's-own-dashboard-camera-lands-him-in-jail


 

EnolaGaia

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It was a toss-up between 'Dumbest Criminals' and 'Strange Crimes', but IMHO the taint of stupidity wins in this case ...

Also, I'm not sure I've ever known of a jurisdiction in which a category of theft 'by unauthorized taking' was formally recognized.

Maine police bust men dragging stolen shed down road
Authorities in Maine said three men were arrested after being caught in the act of using a pickup truck to drag a stolen 25-foot shed down a road.

Maine State Police said troopers responded Sunday to a report of a pickup truck being used to drag the large shed, which was not on any kind of trailer ...

Troopers arrived to find the shed still being dragged and blocking half the road.

Police arrested suspects ... after verifying that the shed had been stolen from a foreclosed property.

All three men were charged with theft by unauthorized taking, with further charges expected to be filed later, police said. The men were each held in lieu of $5,000 bail.
SOURCE: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2018/0.../?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=7
 

EnolaGaia

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I considered whether this item was better suited for one of the coincidence or lost / found threads, but I feel that on balance it centers on a criminal's stupidity ...

Police: Thief tried paying waitress with her own stolen card

Authorities say an Arkansas thief got his just deserts when he tried to pay for a meal using the waitress’ stolen credit card.

Police spokesman Lt. David De Foor said in a news release that officers arrested 21-year-old Shamon West on Tuesday at Shannon’s Restaurant in Pine Bluff. He says that “having no desire to pay for the fellow’s meal,” waitress Flora Lunsford called to report that the man had tried paying for his meal with her stolen credit card.

De Foor says officers found other items on West that had been in Lunsford’s purse when it was stolen from her car Sunday at a nearby gas station while she was inside, including her Social Security card and driver’s license. ...
SOURCE: https://apnews.com/0536845146684977...ried-paying-waitress-with-her-own-stolen-card
 

maximus otter

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One from my personal memory banks:

I rarely felt any sympathy for criminals, but one that did cause my Give-a-Fuck-Ometer to twitch was a bloke who was lodged in police cells during one of the Prison Officers' strikes. He had been the owner of a small business which - despite his best efforts and through no fault of his own - had gone tits up.

With no way of feeding his family obvious to him, he made the stupid decision that a crime would get him enough money to tide him over. He robbed a building society in our High Street at pistol point, getting away with a worthwhile sum in cash. The problems?

1. He picked a building society where he wasn't known. He didn't recognise the cashier, but unfortunately she knew him. Before changing firms, she had issued his mortgage when she worked for the society where he banked.

2. Not bothering to look behind him, he didn't see the member of the public following him from the locus to...

3. ...the getaway vehicle, which was his own car, registered to him at his home address.

4. Police were at his address not long after him. One of my colleagues made a cursory search, and was rewarded by finding the (imitation) pistol where he had carefully dumped it. In his own bin. Outside his front door.

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One from my personal memory banks:

I rarely felt any sympathy for criminals, but one that did cause my Give-a-Fuck-Ometer to twitch was a bloke who was lodged in police cells during one of the Prison Officers' strikes. He had been the owner of a small business which - despite his best efforts and through no fault of his own - had gone tits up.

With no way of feeding his family obvious to him, he made the stupid decision that a crime would get him enough money to tide him over. He robbed a building society in our High Street at pistol point, getting away with a worthwhile sum in cash. The problems?

1. He picked a building society where he wasn't known. He didn't recognise the cashier, but unfortunately she knew him. Before changing firms, she had issued his mortgage when she worked for the society where he banked.

2. Not bothering to look behind him, he didn't see the member of the public following him from the locus to...

3. ...the getaway vehicle, which was his own car, registered to him at his home address.

4. Police were at his address not long after him. One of my colleagues made a cursory search, and was rewarded by finding the (imitation) pistol where he had carefully dumped it. In his own bin, outside his front door.

maximus otter
I feel sorry for him as well.
 

maximus otter

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Camera shoe explodes, injuring man who planned to take 'upskirt' photos.

The universe has found its own way to punish a man who bought a “shoe camera” for taking photographs and video up women’s skirts.

The camera’s battery apparently exploded during a trial run at home, injuring the man’s foot, according to police in the American state of Wisconsin.

Officers said the 32-year-old handed himself in but will not be prosecuted as he did not capture any offending images.

“When the explosion happened, he got treatment for minor burns, then disclosed what happened to his mentor, a clergyman,” he told the Wisconsin State Journal.

The man then presented himself at a police station to report a “sex offence”.

Police said they “counselled him” before releasing him, although they added that their investigation continued.

They did not specify whether the man had attached a miniature camera to his footwear or bought a commercially available pair of shoes with hidden spy cameras.

The practice - secretly filming or photographing someone under their “outer clothing” without permission - was outlawed in Wisconsin in 2015. It carries a maximum sentence of three and half years in prison and a fine of $10,000.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/20...des-injuring-man-planned-take-upskirt-photos/

maximus otter
 

Shady

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Serves him right, bet he still gives it another go
 

maximus otter

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A gang of poachers who broke into a South African game reserve to slaughter a herd of rhinos were attacked and eaten by a pride of hungry lions.

A head and a number of bloodied body parts and limbs were found near the scene after at least three illegal hunters were devoured by the predators.



(Stock Google image, don't panic...)

Owner Nick Fox, 60, said: “We found enough body parts and three pairs of empty shoes which suggest to us that the lions ate at least three of them but it is thick bush and there could be more.

“They came heavily armed with hunting rifles and axes which we have recovered and enough food to last them for several days so we suspect they were after all of our rhinos here."

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/gang-poachers-eaten-lions-after-12857347

maximus otter
 

EnolaGaia

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Because this guy was arrested and charged I'm going to categorize this as dumb criminal behavior, even if he didn't have anything to do with the bank robbery occurring nearby ...

Man smashes through grocery store ceiling, twice

Police say a man fell through the ceiling of a New Hampshire supermarket, twice.

Authorities say officers were responding to the scene of a bank robbery in Dover Thursday afternoon when they heard a commotion at the nearby Shaw’s supermarket.

Police say they found a 30-year-old man’s legs hanging above the store’s seafood and deli section. Officers cleared the store, and the man partially fell through the ceiling again above the store’s refrigerated meats.

Police eventually convinced the man to come down, and he was arrested on charges of criminal mischief, trespassing and resisting arrest.

It is unclear how the man got into the ceiling.

Police say they arrested a different man in connection with the bank robbery later that evening.

SOURCE: https://apnews.com/78b7f90adb7f449092808d72b705e5f2/Man-smashes-through-grocery-store-ceiling,-twice
 

EnolaGaia

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I'm not sure how criminal this guy's intentions were, but he'll end up answering for apparent stupidity in a court of law ...

Arizona man arrested after trying to pull over troopers

Arizona authorities say a 44-year-old uniformed security guard is accused of impersonating a police officer by trying to pull over an unmarked car that happened to contain two state troopers patrolling a Phoenix freeway.

The Department of Public Safety says Matthew Allen Disbro of Mesa was driving his personal black Dodge Charger on Wednesday when he activated law-enforcement-style emergency lights on his car to pull over the troopers’ yellow Ford Mustang.

According to the department, the troopers wouldn’t pull over, Disbro then drove alongside, yelled and waved a hand at the troopers to get them to pull over before they activated their own vehicle’s police lights and pulled him over.

Court records don’t list an attorney for Disbro who could comment on the allegations.
SOURCE: https://apnews.com/3e8e35b6ff384692...n-arrested-after-trying-to-pull-over-troopers
 

maximus otter

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Rapper 'NaNa' Who Bragged of Crimes on Facebook, YouTube Gets 12 Years; Judge Says Evidence 'Came Out of Your Mouth':

Nykees Earl Campbell wanted to rap about what was real. So he posted rantings in rap videos on YouTube and Facebook Live about his violent war with a rival gang, which played out with deadly consequences on the streets of Dallas.



It was exactly what prosecutors needed in their bid to give Campbell serious federal prison time. They say they matched up his words with actual crimes, including an ambush robbery in which he allegedly shot a man eight times while he was asleep in bed.

Campbell, 20, of Dallas, hasn't been charged with those crimes, although he remains a suspect. But U.S. District Judge Barbara Lynn on Wednesday said the evidence prompted her to sentence Campbell, leader of the YNB Stretch Gang in South Dallas, to 12 years in federal prison.

https://www.nbcdfw.com/news/local/R...vidence-Came-Out-of-Your-Mouth-488565871.html

maximus otter


 

EnolaGaia

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I'm not sure which aspect of this case is the dumbest - the theft, the choice of getaway vehicle, the bungled getaway, or the getaway driver's attempt at deception when cornered ...

37653784_1759285564190096_1719243840579174400_o.jpg

Fish tank thieves attempt getaway on motorcycle
Police in Ohio shared a photo of two suspected thieves carrying a stolen aquarium on a motorcycle -- and the aquarium later shattered.

The Niles Police Department posted a photo to Facebook showing two men riding on a motorcycle with the passenger carrying a box containing a large aquarium.

The post said the aquarium had been shoplifted from the local PetSmart store about 11:30 a.m. Monday and an officer on his way to the scene spotted the pair on the motorcycle.

Police said the passenger jumped off the motorcycle at one point, breaking the pilfered aquarium, and was arrested. ...

Police lost track of the motorcycle rider, but the vehicle was soon found abandoned behind the Chef Peng restaurant. Officers searched the area and spotted a "nervous-looking" man behind a home.

"Besides looking nervous, the male began to furiously prune a small tree with his bare hands telling officers he was there to do yard work," the Facebook post said.

The man told police he saw the suspects flee east on a nearby road, but investigators did not believe his story and he was identified as the driver of the motorcycle. ...
SOURCE: https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2018/0.../?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=5
 

EnolaGaia

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If you're going to break into a place, it's best to make sure the place isn't a police station ...

Man tasered and arrested after trying to break into Ont. police station.
A man was arrested after he allegedly tried to break into a police headquarters in London, Ont.

Roger Marchand was tasered by officers when they say he refused to drop the bicycle chain he had used to smash a glass door on Thursday morning.

Earlier in the night, police say the 42-year-old was seen breaking the front window of a store, before moving on to another address where he was observed hitting the front door.

Damages are estimated at approximately $3,000.

The Stratford man has been charged with break and enter with intent, possession of a weapon, and mischief under $5,000.

The accused is expected to appear in a London court on Thursday. ...
SOURCE: https://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/man-t...medium=website&utm_content=link&ICID=ref_fark
 

EnolaGaia

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This boy takes the cake for misplaced confidence. This is one of those stories that might make more sense if hard drugs were involved. Thank heavens he didn't manage to start the jet's engines ...

Police: Man tried to steal plane for concert

Report: Suspect thought flying would be easy
A man arrested at the Texarkana Regional Airport on July 4th allegedly told investigators he intended to fly a stolen plane to a rap music concert in another state.

Asked about his lack of training as a pilot, Zemarcuis Devon Scott, 18, allegedly told Texarkana, Ark., police that he didn't believe there was much more to the task than pushing buttons and pulling levers, according to a probable cause affidavit used to create the following account.

It was about 2:30 a.m. when airport security personnel contacted police about seeing a man jump a fence and attempt to enter an American Eagle twin-engine jet. By the time officers arrived, the suspect, later identified as Scott, had gotten onto the small commercial plane and closed the door behind him.

When officers shined a flashlight into the plane's cockpit from outside the jet, they could see a man sitting in the pilot's seat with his hands below the window and out of direct view. Fearing for their safety, an officer drew his weapon and ordered the man to keep his hands up where they could be seen.

When the suspect turned his gaze toward the officers, two of them allegedly recognized Scott from past encounters. Two of the three responding officers got the plane's door open while the third continued to monitor Scott until he could be taken into custody.

On Monday, Chief Deputy Prosecuting Attorney Chuck Black formally charged Scott with commercial burglary and attempted theft of property with a value greater than $25,000. Both offenses are felonies punishable by three to 10 years in prison and a fine up to $10,000. ...
SOURCE: http://www.texarkanagazette.com/new.../police-man-tried-steal-plane-concert/736990/
 

Peripart

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This boy takes the cake for misplaced confidence. This is one of those stories that might make more sense if hard drugs were involved. Thank heavens he didn't manage to start the jet's engines ...
Asked about his lack of training as a pilot, Zemarcuis Devon Scott, 18, allegedly told Texarkana, Ark., police that he didn't believe there was much more to the task than pushing buttons and pulling levers
I'd arrest him for being called Zemarcuis.

Or maybe his parents, thinking about it.

But someone needs to pay for that kind of fuckwittery.
 

EnolaGaia

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This guy might have faced less legal trouble if he'd simply decided to drive without a license.

Driver’s test arrest: Pot, gun, cash found in smelly car
A 22-year-old man who went for his driver’s test left in handcuffs after the examiner became suspicious about a certain odor emanating from the car.

News outlets report the examiner alerted a trooper at the Motor Vehicle Administration office, who searched the car. A Maryland State Police report says the search found nearly a pound of marijuana, a scale, more than $15,000 in cash and a handgun loaded with a 30-round magazine.

Reginald D. Wooding Jr. of Baltimore did not get his driver’s license on Monday, but he did get arrested on multiple counts. It’s unclear whether he has a lawyer.
SOURCE: https://apnews.com/b5c3f36884b44540...st-arrest:-Pot,-gun,-cash-found-in-smelly-car
 
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