The World's Dumbest Criminals

EnolaGaia

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I'm not sure if this thief simply gave up on trying to sell the collectible coins for their prospective value or was simply dumb enough to not even try.
Police: Stolen rare coins ended up in change machines
Authorities say a Florida man stole collectible coins worth tens of thousands of dollars, then ran them through grocery store change machines that returned just a fraction of their value.

The Palm Beach Post report s 20-year-old Shane Anthony Mele of Riviera Beach told investigators he stole the commemorative presidential dollar coins and other items from a North Palm Beach office in December.

The coins were worth $33,000. A Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office arrest report says Mele sold some coins for a few thousand dollars, and he ran many through change machines that only produced their face value. ...
FULL STORY: https://www.apnews.com/4ce3633879634d9e9f4d779bc067830b
 

maximus otter

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Authorities are accusing 19-year-old Emmanuel Franklin of faking his own kidnapping in hopes of extorting money from his mother.The desired ransom? A whopping $130...
Is anyone else remembering that little-known Python sketch with the Scots hijacker on an airliner? “There’s a bomb oan the plane, and ah’ll tell ye where it is for a poond!

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maximus otter

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PORT HURON, Mich. - A man who was allegedly attempting to transport meth from Montreal to Calgary was busted when his iPhone navigation took him to a border checkpoint.

U.S. Customs and Border Protection inspected a Canadian vehicle at the bridge on Wednesday, driven by a Canadian citizen, Constantine Xethalis. Two others were in the vehicle.

After they were unable to provide proof of citizenship, the vehicle was searched. Officers found approximately 10 pounds of meth in tablet form.

https://www.clickondetroit.com/news...hen-navigation-takes-him-to-port-huron-bridge

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maximus otter

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A man who surmised that a ghost may have planted methamphetamine in his Louisiana home eventually admitted that he, and not an otherworldly force, was responsible for the drug being in his residence, court records show.



Michael Auttonberry, 60, was arrested in October after police arrived at his home in response to a purported assault. Auttonberry, cops say, had called 911 to claim that he had been “stabbed on the head by an axe.”

When officers arrived at Auttonberry’s West Monroe home, they determined that he was not suffering from any axe wounds . Cops did, however, spot “in plain view on a night stand a open brown paper containing approximately 1 gram of suspected methamphetamine,” according to a probable cause affidavit. A subsequent pat down of Auttonberry yielded a pill bottle containing an additional gram of meth.

Quizzed by cops, Auttonberry said that "a ghost or intruders" planted the drugs before climbing out a bedroom window.

This claim, investigators determined, “was not accurate.”

http://thesmokinggun.com/buster/ghost/meth-ghost-cleared-285430

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Vardoger

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A man who surmised that a ghost may have planted methamphetamine in his Louisiana home eventually admitted that he, and not an otherworldly force, was responsible for the drug being in his residence, court records show.

This claim, investigators determined, “was not accurate.”

maximus otter
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graylien

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Florida lawyer Andrew Lippi who has just bought an $8 million private island (and also owns a massive house he rents out for $999 a night) has just been arrested for trying to scam budget retailer Kmart out of $300!

Lippi bought two coffeemakers, a bed skirt, and some light bulbs. He then returned them in their original packaging and asked for a refund. But what was actually in the boxes?

One of the coffeemakers had been replaced with an old machine and the other with a basketball. The new lightbulbs had been swopped for old, and the bed skirt replaced by a pillowcase.

Asked for comment, Lippi responded "It's very complicated and I'd rather not get into it."

How did he ever think he'd get away with it???
 

EnolaGaia

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I debated whether this should go under Strange Crimes or the Conmen thread, but ended up deciding it was just plain dumb ...
Police: Bank robber used oblivious dad as getaway driver
Police in Maine say a man who robbed a bank used his unwitting father as a getaway driver.

An affidavit written by a police detective says Keith Tilton dropped his 39-year-old son, Joseph Donald Tilton, at a Lewiston bank Tuesday afternoon, believing his son needed to cash a check. In the few minutes he was inside, police say Joseph Tilton actually robbed the bank.

After dropping his son off in a different part of Lewiston, Keith Tilton drove past the bank, and was stopped by police who had the getaway car’s description. Keith Tilton isn’t charged, as police don’t think he knew what was happening.

The Sun Journal reports Joseph Tilton is charged with felony robbery, accused of stealing $620. ...
SOURCE: https://www.apnews.com/69484ba1ac9949d0a22aec175efd860e
 
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A rather dozy burglar.

A burglar who was found asleep on his victim's sofa with a bag of stolen property next to him has been jailed.

Jimi Aldington, 22, broke a window of a house in Foxhole Road, Paignton, and stole drugs from a bedside cabinet. He cut his hand on the way in, leaving a trail of blood which led upstairs to the bedroom and then back to the sofa, where Aldington was found by police. Aldington, of Helston Close, Paignton, admitted burglary and was jailed for 18 months at Exeter Crown Court.

Brian Fitzherbert, prosecuting, said Aldington had drunk alcohol and taken prescription drugs before entering the house at 19:00 BST on 5 April by smashing a ground-floor window when the occupier was out.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-devon-48218707
 

maximus otter

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A convicted felon accidentally shot himself in the genitals last month at an apartment in Cashmere. His problems didn’t stop there.



Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, had a pistol tucked into his front pocket April 5 when the gun discharged, sending a bullet through his testicles and into his thigh.

Instead of heading directly to a hospital, Wilson instructed his girlfriend to first drive to Lincoln Park in Wenatchee, where he gave the pistol to a friend, the affidavit said. A 13-time convicted felon, it is illegal for Wilson to possess a firearm.

As doctors and nurses performed surgery at Central Washington Hospital, a balloon containing marijuana slipped out of his anus, the affidavit said.

Chelan County sheriff’s detectives were notified that Wilson had suffered a gunshot wound and then responded to the hospital. They searched the car and found a bag of methamphetamine inside a pair of blood-stained jeans he’d taken off before entering the hospital.

Detectives declined to arrest Wilson at the hospital and instead issued an arrest warrant on suspicion of second-degree felon in possession of a firearm and unlawful possession of meth. He was charged April 16.

During a strip search [as he was booked in at the gaol on 18th April], another balloon of marijuana slipped from Wilson’s anus...

https://www.wenatcheeworld.com/news...cle_bc761e90-7c07-11e9-9a2e-87ca3ce75ad3.html

maximus otter
 

Vardoger

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A convicted felon accidentally shot himself in the genitals last month at an apartment in Cashmere. His problems didn’t stop there.



Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, had a pistol tucked into his front pocket April 5 when the gun discharged, sending a bullet through his testicles and into his thigh.

Instead of heading directly to a hospital, Wilson instructed his girlfriend to first drive to Lincoln Park in Wenatchee, where he gave the pistol to a friend, the affidavit said. A 13-time convicted felon, it is illegal for Wilson to possess a firearm.

As doctors and nurses performed surgery at Central Washington Hospital, a balloon containing marijuana slipped out of his anus, the affidavit said.

Chelan County sheriff’s detectives were notified that Wilson had suffered a gunshot wound and then responded to the hospital. They searched the car and found a bag of methamphetamine inside a pair of blood-stained jeans he’d taken off before entering the hospital.

Detectives declined to arrest Wilson at the hospital and instead issued an arrest warrant on suspicion of second-degree felon in possession of a firearm and unlawful possession of meth. He was charged April 16.

During a strip search [as he was booked in at the gaol on 18th April], another balloon of marijuana slipped from Wilson’s anus...

https://www.wenatcheeworld.com/news...cle_bc761e90-7c07-11e9-9a2e-87ca3ce75ad3.html

maximus otter
Blink 182 first date WTF meme.gif
 

brownmane

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A convicted felon accidentally shot himself in the genitals last month at an apartment in Cashmere. His problems didn’t stop there.



Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, 27, had a pistol tucked into his front pocket April 5 when the gun discharged, sending a bullet through his testicles and into his thigh.

Instead of heading directly to a hospital, Wilson instructed his girlfriend to first drive to Lincoln Park in Wenatchee, where he gave the pistol to a friend, the affidavit said. A 13-time convicted felon, it is illegal for Wilson to possess a firearm.

As doctors and nurses performed surgery at Central Washington Hospital, a balloon containing marijuana slipped out of his anus, the affidavit said.

Chelan County sheriff’s detectives were notified that Wilson had suffered a gunshot wound and then responded to the hospital. They searched the car and found a bag of methamphetamine inside a pair of blood-stained jeans he’d taken off before entering the hospital.

Detectives declined to arrest Wilson at the hospital and instead issued an arrest warrant on suspicion of second-degree felon in possession of a firearm and unlawful possession of meth. He was charged April 16.

During a strip search [as he was booked in at the gaol on 18th April], another balloon of marijuana slipped from Wilson’s anus...

https://www.wenatcheeworld.com/news...cle_bc761e90-7c07-11e9-9a2e-87ca3ce75ad3.html

maximus otter
I'm surprised he didn't poop himself when he first shot himself. Talk about being anal retentive!
 

EnolaGaia

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Another illustration of the dangers in being a drug mule ...

Man dies on plane after swallowing 246 packets of cocaine

A Japanese man died on board a flight from Mexico City to Tokyo with 246 packets of cocaine in his stomach.

Identified only as Udo N., the 42-year-old passenger flew from Bogota, Colombia, to the Mexican capital, where he transferred to a flight to Narita airport, Tokyo ...

"Crew noticed a person suffering convulsions and requested to make an emergency landing in Hermosillo, Sonora" ...

At 2.25 a.m. local time (5.25 a.m. ET) on May 24, paramedics boarded the plane and found the passenger had died.

An autopsy revealed that Udo N. died from a cerebral edema caused by an overdose ...

There were 246 plastic packets of cocaine in his stomach and intestines, measuring 1 by 2.5 centimeters each.

After his body was removed from the plane the flight continued its journey to Japan with 198 passengers on board. ...
FULL STORY: https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/28/americas/mexico-cocaine-plane-death-scli-intl/index.html
 

EnolaGaia

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I'm pretty sure the Thieves Manual says to avoid intrusion tactics that result in eliminating access altogether ... :roll:

Florida thief takes blowtorch to ATM, welds it shut instead

Authorities say two Florida burglars thought they were clever when they used a blowtorch to break into an ATM machine, but they never hit the jackpot.

Instead, the burning heat actually welded the ATM’s hinges shut.

Okaloosa County Sheriff’s officials say video surveillance shows two male suspects entering the Boardwalk on Okaloosa Island on Friday. One was armed with a crowbar and appeared to serve as the lookout while the other took the blowtorch to the ATM.

Instead of cutting the ATM with the blowtorch, authorities say the would-be thief welded the metal parts shut and the pair left with nothing.
SOURCE: https://www.apnews.com/308c154206444031b71b62d73b8d3a3f
 

EnolaGaia

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Note to self ... Next time you devise a fake license plate, make sure it displays the actual name of the state and not a slang label for it ...
Badly-made fake license plate leads to arrest in California
A big-rig truck driver has been arrested after authorities spotted a phony license plate on his rig.

How could they tell?

Well, the Ventura County Sheriff’s Department says the 1960s-style yellow-on-black plate had wobbly letters and numbers. Also, instead of “CALIFORNIA,” it read “CALIFAS.” ...

The driver was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of drugs, possessing methamphetamine, being an unlicensed driver and having an active arrest warrant.

The tractor-trailer was towed away because authorities say it was unsafe.
SOURCE: https://www.apnews.com/9b5d27080a324014af62e738a55f310c
 

EnolaGaia

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... And today's Criminal Mastermind Award goes to the thief who never paused to question whether the surveillance camera he was stealing was providing a live feed of the theft in progress.

Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s surveillance camera

Louisiana authorities say a burglar effectively caught himself red-handed, unwittingly livestreaming his theft of a neighbor’s new surveillance camera.

The Bossier Parish Sheriff’s Office says the neighbor watched the crime unfold in real time, and recognized the culprit as 43-year-old Franklin Welzbacher Jr.

A sheriff’s statement says the stolen camera also showed things inside Welzbacher’s house.

Sheriff’s spokesman Bill Davis said Tuesday that Welzbacher told deputies he had permission to borrow a paint brush, but had nothing to say when asked about the camera.
SOURCE: https://www.apnews.com/f138e2ffadf64947b3144bc3f3485d84
 

maximus otter

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Alabama investigators say a man kept a caged “attack squirrel” in his apartment and fed it methamphetamine to ensure it stayed aggressive.



Mickey Paulk

The News Courier reports authorities are seeking 35-year-old Mickey Paulk on multiple charges including possession of a controlled substance.



Squirrel Jeff Conway: “You’ll never take me alive, copper!”

Law enforcement was warned of the animal prior to executing a search warrant of the Athens home Monday.

Officials from the state’s Department of Conservation recommended releasing the animal, which deputies did successfully.

https://www.springfieldnewssun.com/...k-squirrel-police-say/nZf1NTPjgss8BXWDmGljhM/

maximus otter
 
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